Just like Mark Morrison’s The Mack, the return of the Avalanches was something you didn’t think would actually happen. After sixteen long years, the sample-happy Australians careened back into public view with their album Wildflower. While largely enjoyable, and aside from the occasional guest verses, there wasn’t anything radically different on show from their first effort, the seminal Since I Left You.
Now the group has released its fourth single from the album, ‘Because I’m Me’, and put out an accompanying video. So far, so normal. Yet the joy of music videos is they allow artists to visually express themselves in a way that can augment their music. It can give you a glimpse into a song, without focusing solely on the track itself, colouring your understanding of it. At times, they can also reveal an inner truth about an artist, giving the watcher a glimpse into something bigger. This is what’s happened with ‘Because I’m Me’.
Let’s start right at the beginning: the plot. A young boy, Wallace, tries to put money on a travel card, is denied this by the attendant, an older girl he is seemingly in love with named Becky. He then puts together an extended song and dance routine she ignores, all while accompanied by a brass band and a mysterious gentlemen with a toothpick, who’s hopefully not a paedophile. Eventually, this comes to a close with a giant inflatable heart bursting out his jacket and a look of derision on Becky’s face. End.
Catch it here:
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To get to the bottom of the video, it’s important to understand how the Avalanches make their music. Generally, they take snippets of different songs and then mould them together, creating something new, but at the same time familiar. This musical approach is adopted visually by the video’s director, Greg Brunkalla, in ‘Because I’m Me’.
Firstly, the setting. The base and propulsive element of ‘Because I’m Me’ musically is the funk-infused brass track, which is lifted from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkJGSnRB9RM" target="_blank">a 1969 single by a Los Angeles group, Honey Cone, called ‘Want Ads’</a>. Brunkalla then reflects the seventies in the video. You can see it in the colours. Look at the whole washed-out, but warm yellow-tinge that’s smothering everything. It couldn’t be more of this era if it was shouting at you from a burning oil drum on street corner wearing flared jeans with a bad cocaine habit holding a stiletto. This could be a coincidence, but the whole thing is eerily similar to Baz Luhrman’s recent work, The Get Down. Hell, we should probably call this whole visual effect The-Get-Down-Filter from now on.
<img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-32915" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2016/11/Get-Down-Photo-300x180.jpg" alt="get-down-photo" width="300" height="180" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2016/11/Get-Down-Photo-300x180.jpg 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2016/11/Get-Down-Photo-768x461.jpg 768w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2016/11/Get-Down-Photo-1024x614.jpg 1024w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2016/11/Get-Down-Photo.jpg 1125w" sizes="(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px" />
This harking back to past eras and TV shows is nothing new in music videos, with <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kemivUKb4f4" target="_blank">Weezer’s ‘Buddy Holly’</a> immediately springing to mind. The trend of reaching deep inside the past like a veterinarian does a horse continues throughout ‘Because I’m Me’. Take its central themes for example: dancing and unrequited love. The former is something that has been integral to music videos since day one, playing a primary role in almost every major pop music video from the last thirty-odd years, while if the latter didn’t exist Morrissey might’ve not had much of a career. Both deeply embedded, both expected, but not much new.
Let’s zero in on the opening scene:
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I’m sure I’ve seen a tracked shot of someone strutting in a seventies style before…
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Ah, of course.
This aren’t the only tropes that crop up in the video though. The underground setting is a favourite of directors, as it can be shot at any time of day, lit in any way they desire and hired for very little money compared to other spaces. One of the most famous examples of this has to be <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsUXAEzaC3Q" target="_blank">Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad</a>’. The Avalanches themselves seem to have a thing for subway systems <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPIMfOIuEe4">as a video for their previous single ‘Subways’</a> is all about a subway. Surprisingly.
Another throwback trope is the appearance of a brass band playing behind someone dancing, just like in Gwen Stefani’s ‘Hollaback Girl’. But, you know, minus all of that Harajuku Girls nonsense. 
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This is where we hit the stumbling point in ‘Because I’m Me’. All we have up to this point is a combination of tropes and a plot that has popped up in countless music videos. Yes, the video is a heartwarming, nostalgic journey, but it’s something that’s been done many times before. The question then is if there’s a reading we can take that causes this amalgamation to appear ‘new’.
The first point of call considering this is the rap verse from Camp Lo’s Sonny Cheeba. Unfortunately, doesn’t hold up as a modern reading for two main reasons:
a) Camp Lo hit peak popularity in the late nighties
b) While a rap verse on a pop track was exciting and new in the early 2000s, it’s now become the genre’s version of a guitar solo on a rock song
No joy here, but there is another part of the ‘Because I’m Me’ video that you could view as utterly modern, if you overanalyse it of course: the complete disregard for the innocence, purity and exuberance of a child.
When our main character, Wallace, approaches the window to put a dime on a travel card, he is admonished by the ticket office attendant, Becky. While this plot strand is never truly resolved (at no point is it revealed whether said Wallace managed to achieve his travel plans or exactly why Becky was unable to put that money onto the card), we do get a slice of modern nihilism here.
After complimenting Becky’s hair, Wallace tries to impress her through the seductive power of dance. Look at these moves:
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Undoubtedly, that’s impressive. If you don’t think so, I’d like to see you do better. If I’m honest, my dancing can only be described as taser-chic; a grouping of jerky, uncoordinated moves culminating in a  flailing limbs. While the above? Smooth as Vin Diesel’s scalp. Ask yourself this: how would you react to the above? A smile? An appreciative nod? Or would your expression be like this:
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That’s the face you make when someone sits next to you on the bus and you get a whiff of the cloying, ammonia rich scent of stale piss. That’s the face you make when a friend tells you that Milo Yiannopoulos actually has some pretty strong points. That’s the face you make when you step in dogshit. That’s probably not the face you make when a young teen shows you some fine dance moves. That is a modern, social media-tainted emotion.
We get to visit this face again when young Wallace pulls the old inflatable heart trick.
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In seriousness, this negative indifference from Becky isn’t too dissimilar from a gamut of other videos covering the old unrequited love trope. So what about the inflatable heart? You could call this a break from old music videos, where this was maybe too costly to be feasible, but instead it’s more reminiscent of when <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_Floyd_pigs" target="_blank">Pink Floyd had giant inflatable pigs above live performances</a>. It’s unlikely this is a direct reference to this specific event, it’s more of a proof point that even when the ‘Because I’m Me’ is trying to break with traditions of the past, it just ends up rehashing them.
In all honesty, the video for ‘Because I’m Me’ could actually work as metaphor for the Avalanches’ comeback. In the time from Since I Left You’s original success, things have changed. At the time, access to huge amounts of music was novel and the technology to splice it together was in its infancy. The Avalanches took mash-up culture and combined it with a DJ Shadow-esque approach to music making to create something truly otherworldly and, importantly, new. In the sixteen years between their debut album and Wildflower though, music has progressed. What once was revolutionary has now become a widely heard and admired part of popular culture.
This is where the parallels lie. While both this video and Wildflower are hugely enjoyable, they lack that little bit of excitement, of genuine innovation that would mark them out as great. They have the same ingredients and make a very tasty meal, but are missing the topping that brings the whole thing together.

Man vs. Video: The Avalanches – Because I’m Me

How many songs must a man write down, before he wins a Nobel Prize? The answer my friend, is in the region of 522.
In case you’ve been living under a non-rolling stone, Bob Dylan was just awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature. I’ll leave others to argue if this was the right choice (nope), deserved (nope) or just a publicity stunt (yes), because I’m more interested in what happens in the future, as far fewer people can call you out on predictions.
Dylan’s award, which finds him spoken in the same breath as writers like Beckett, Hemingway and Pinter, has opened the door for a whole other group to consider in future events: musicians.
Ahead of the bookies opening betting on next year’s event, we’ve got some hot tips on who might just take home the biggest prize in Literature in 2017.
30/1: DMX
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Commercial hip-hop has undergone a sea change. Where once tongue-twisting, intricate wordplay could take you to the top, artists like Future and Young Thug have heralded in a more percussive and melodic style of rapper. This style has a clear godfather and his name is DMX.
Whether it’s barking like a dog or getting by on <a href="https://poly-graph.co/vocabulary.html" target="_blank">the bare bones of the English language</a>, DMX inspired a generation of wordsmiths to change their approach to lyricism.
Just look at how he kicks off the first verse of Ruff Ryder’s Anthem with the quartet of “try”, “lie”, “why” and “die”, a scheme that makes far more sense than Dylan’s half-assed attempt to rhyme <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGxjIBEZvx0" target="_blank">“medicine” and “government”.</a>
The singer won the Nobel Prize “for having created new poetic expressions within the great American song tradition,” something DMX has also achieved. He’s an unpretentious poet who just wants to let you know where the party is: up in here. And for that, we should all be thankful.
25/1: Mike Oldfield
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Dylan winning the Nobel Prize made a clear statement for the future. The world’s top literary prize is no longer about how things read, but performance. So what’s the next logical evolution? Something with no words.
Think about it: if <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTEFKFiXSx4" target="_blank">John Cage’s 4′33″</a> forced academics to reconsider classical music, then wouldn’t Tubular Bells do the same for literary critics? Wouldn’t they begin to ask if we really need all these words? If they were reductive enough to believe that literary worth is tied to scrawls on some paper? Isn’t the purest piece of writing something that contains nothing at all? Yes is the answer you’re looking for. Yes. A thousand times yes.
Plus, baby boomers love Bob Dylan and Mike Oldfield and what they say goes so you’d best shut up and accept this is happening okay?
10/1: Hot Action Cop
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Death and sex are the most primal human experiences and have inspired some of the greatest works known to humans. Yet, if you were to analyse the canon, there is far more quality work on the former. With the Nobel Prize in Literature now open to musicians though, the balance can be re-addressed. Pop and rock music is synonymous with sexuality, but there’s a group that stands above the rest, primed and ready to burst open the dams of repression and dowse the bone-dry world of books with a rush of raw promiscuity. Their name? Hot Action Cop.
Let’s delve into their poetry:
Do you think that I can get some? (jiggy jiggy) 
 Maybe just a little finger (sticky sticky)
Notice how the rhyming couplet has a sense of onomatopoeia, activating the senses of the reader so it almost feels as though we are personally asking if we can fingerbang a complete stranger.
She got the power of the hoochie 
 I got the fever for the flavour of the coochie
Observe how the group insert a colloquial tone into this excerpt with the rhyme of “hoochie” and “coochie”, echoing the primal nature of this desire. On top of this this, who among us has never had a “fever for [a] flavour”, a phrase made even more powerful by alliteration.
Oh hey hey hey hey hey hey oh pretty pretty shy whoop, whoop
What we have here is a classic epizeuxis. Do you know who also used this technique? Shakespeare. Just check out this line from Macbeth: “O horror, horror, horror.” Case closed.
5/1: El Mudo
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The Tower Of Babel is a biblical tale that explains the evolution of language. The story states that humanity originally spoke a universal language, but, when people tried to build a city to reach heaven, God struck, scattering them across the globe and forcing them to speak different tongues. Well, I have it on good faith that El Mudo has broken this curse and discovered humanity’s original tongue.
The written word has always been bound by the language of its creation. A translation will never quite replicate the nuances and meanings of the original script, making awarding a Nobel Prize in Literature fraught with difficulties. Not any longer.
Chacarron Macarron is what Gottfried Leibniz searched for in vain, while attempting to sum up human thought in mathematics. Chacarron Macarron is what L. L. Zamenhof dreamed of when he invented Esperanto. Chacarron Macarron is what John Lennon wished he wrote instead of Imagine. Chacarron Macarron is the reason El Mudo deserves a Nobel Prize in Literature.
3/1: U2
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Did you ever watch the first Tomb Raider in the cinema? If so, I guess you’ll have had the same experience.
The credits start rolling. You stretch slightly, then place hands on the stiff, plastic armrest, pressure spreading through your palms as you prepare to heave yourself up, but something happens. Three notes buzz on a bass, it throbs in your chest, you stop as stirs in you, then a voice, a heavenly, lilting voice, cries “EL-E-VA-TION”.
“Ohhhh oh,” it goes. Then again: “Ohhhh oh oh.” Powerchords chug underneath and you say to yourself “this is it, THIS is it.” It’s as though you’ve lived life in black and white, but everything has just burst into glorious technicolor.
The guitar drops out, drums skitter and you realise someone is talking to you, directly to you, telling you things you’ve always known, things you’ve felt deep down, but were unable to vocalise. “Yes,” you say, “I have lost all self-control, I have been living like a mole.” Your mouth opens in an imitation of a python and you pull all the available air down your throat to the bottom of you your lungs, holding it there for a moment before, with all the force you can muster, screaming “EX-CA-VA-TION.” A mother glances over her shoulder and quickly ushers her child out of the cinema, but you barely notice.
You’re standing now, bug-eyed, mouthing wildly, sweat is trickling down the nape of your neck and your arm hair is at attention. “Tell me, talk to me” you say, “I have to know, I must know” The thirty-foot tall Bono seems to hear you, leering from the screen, he fixes you behind those sunglasses, somehow staring further into you than you thought possible, you can’t see his pupils, but you can feel them. The song seems louder than before. More intense. Apart from his voice. It sounds as though he’s whispering, lips almost tickling your earlobe, you hear every word as though they were written for you, he says “it’s like a mole, living in a hole, is digging up my soul.”
The next thing you know, you’re lying down, your mother is standing above you, your hand in hers, with bloodshot, puffy eyes, she strokes your hair and tells you everything is going to be okay and you’re safe now. You’re finally safe.

Feature: Who’s next in line for a Nobel Prize?

<h2 class="p1" style="text-align: center;">“We’re not giving up”</h2>
<h3 class="p1" style="text-align: center;">Stephen Davidson</h3>
Brighton 20.09.15
Tellison <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/features/tellison--hope-fading-nightly-exclusive-album-stream-10485618.html">released Hope Fading Nightly</a> last week. I caught up with Stephen Davidson in the suitably sombre location of a toilet in Brighton to discuss the pain behind making the new record, how happy the band are now and how they have no plans to give up.
The last time I spoke to you was four years ago in Southampton, a few months after the release of The Wages of Fear, so how’s it going?
“Good, we’ve been through some highs and lows since we last spoke. The Wages of Fear (2011) didn’t really do anything in terms of getting us further ahead or getting us played on the radio, which was sort of the aim of that record. 
“We were impressionable children, so we listened to these so called professionals, he says bitterly. They were older and we thought wiser, they said if we put a little bit more polish on what we were doing then things could go really well and we could be a full time band.”
“We were all young, you learn a lot and we’re a lot more comfortable in our own skin now. I think that comes across in the new record. We just went to a studio with all our own gear and figured out how to make an album from scratch. This was much more of an attempt to make the songs sound like how they sounded when we first wrote them.
“So much of Tellison is about growing up, because it’s a band I’ve been in since I was 13, and I’m 29 now. This record is explicitly about feelings of failure, or feelings of potential not reached and roads not travelled.”
The songs in the new record seem to be a little bit more forthright, even aggressive in places?
“There’s definite anger and disappointment, with feelings of betrayal. But I think I was feeling that way, and for me songwriting is a big cathartic process. It’s about taking that negative energy  and putting it somewhere creative and positive, rather than just stewing on it miserably, sat on the bus wanting to die. We’re not depressed people, but I do think that’s how I personally deal with that stuff. 
<blockquote>
<h3 class="p1" style="text-align: left;">“It does quite suck to be in your twenties in 2015”</h3>
</blockquote>
“Equally it does quite suck to be in your twenties in 2015. I was obviously naive, but I just believed it when people told me to work hard and you’d be okay. So it was grim to find out it’s not true.”
I don’t see any of the hard stuff you have to do to keep Tellison going, but I do often see you play shows to a hundred people shouting your lyrics back at you. To me I see a successful band that’s endured – so I can’t help but wonder what  ‘success’ for Tellison would look like?
“Those shows are something we’re definitely aware of, particularly in London. It’s insane, and I wouldn’t want to take anything away from that. 
“Much of the record is about a period of time a year or two ago, where we didn’t have a third record on the horizon and I was just on my own in my bedroom, not knowing if we were going to make another album, or break up. I was working in rubbish jobs, and commuting, feeling really bad about how I’d spent my life up until that point.
But in a way this entire problem has created this album.
“I totally agree with you there, it’s really important to be aware of that. And there is an important distinction to be made with what was going on when we were writing the album and what’s going on now, because I think all of us are really happy with how it’s going.
“We’ve all figured out how to make it work with our own lives. And we used all of this pain to make fire wood to make this thing, which we’re all pleased with. Maybe we needed to get all of that out of ourselves, to be confident and happy, and realise it’s okay.
“I’m just imagining what success might look like, but maybe we’re here in fact. In lots of ways we’re doing what we set out to do.”
There are a lot of places in the new record which feel almost like giving up, so what comes next?
“As far as giving up goes, I don’t want to. I’m not planning on giving up. I’m working on another record at the moment.
“There was a need to put it all out there, literally apologise to the rest of the band and talk about the negative stuff we were all thinking, sitting in silence on the van back from Derby, having played to two people. Once it’s out there, it becomes more manageable, and it’s made us feel more of a team. Because we all felt like this, but we had an unspoken agreement that we would set our jaws, and carry on.”
<blockquote>
<h3 class="p1" style="text-align: right;">“We had an unspoken agreement that we would set our jaws, and carry on.”</h3>
</blockquote>
Having lost a friend to suicide earlier this year, I wondered if My Marengo is about someone in particular – or rhetorical?
“It’s about one of my best friends who killed himself. It was ten years ago, and it’s taken me this long to say that inarticulate thing, because what do you say? Even now I have no idea where to even begin trying to unpick it all.
“It feeds back into what a lot of the record’s about, because it’s about feeling unhappy and hopeless. If you pursue that to its end point, this is one solution that people come up with. But the song pointedly rejects it, because whilst I’m so far away from understanding it, all I can talk about is what I do think and feel. And the song is my rejection of it, because I wish he hadn’t done it.”
It’s interesting that having had so many songs that are almost giving up, that when you get to the darkest point of the record, there is a rejection of giving up.
“Yes, definitely. I was thinking about this when we were making the record.”
The first time I listened to the album I felt uncomfortable and sad, that a band I admired for putting a hopeful spin on real life experiences, had made something that felt very bleak, but the more I listen to it, the more it feels hopeful.
“That’s the tension that exists in talking about misery and unhappiness, that by doing so you’re dealing with it. So it’s a fun bit of artifice, which is therapeutic for us. To speak your worst fears, and by doing so, overcome them hopefully.
“As a band we talk about how we’re failures, we release an album called ‘Hope Fading Nightly’ about how everything’s going wrong and we hate it all. But we released an album. It took four years, but we did it and we’re still going. The silent point is that we’re not giving up.
“With the title Hope Fading Nightly, you could read it one way and say you’re getting less and less, but also in another way it’s a recurring act, hope fades nightly, sun comes up, and you start again. That’s life really, isn’t it?”

Interview:  Stephen Davidson of Tellison

A DISSEXTION OF X WORLD

Artwork by Jimmy Wragg <a href="https://twitter.com/Sui42" target="_blank">(@Sui42)</a>
At the end of last week it became apparent that Apple intends to purchase Dr. Dre’s Beats, changing the music game forever. For a lot of bands, branded merchandise was just a way of earning a bit of extra beer money, but now it’s equivalent to a start-up: SERIOUS BUSINESS.
So, what’s next for Apple? Well, maybe they should buy-out these musicians’ products to ride that wave of relevance right to the bank.
 
Drake lint roller
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A major reason for Apple’s success is the company’s adherence to aesthetics. The iPod, iPhone and Mac are all examples of stripped back design. If you’re selling products that have such a heavy emphasis on appearance, it’s vital the user’s personal brand represents this.
In other words, you gotta look dope.
Drake realises this and Apple need to pay heed. Hell, they could sell the lint rollers with laptop cases and maybe hire a few people in their stores to make sure visitors’ trousers stay fluff free. The company could even fly in some of their well-looked after workers from Asia to help out. There’s nothing, NOTHING, worse than looking anti-fly.
 
St Vincent Coffee
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Beer and pubs. MacBooks and coffee shops. Cocaine and strippers. Some things are made to be together. Not only should Apple sell coffee, they should install cup holders onto their machines.
There you go guys, that’s the next product overhaul sorted. I’ll await my cheque.
 
Wavves grinder
<img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-28482" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/wavves_blue_grinder.jpg" alt="wavves_blue_grinder" width="600" height="600" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/wavves_blue_grinder.jpg 600w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/wavves_blue_grinder-150x150.jpg 150w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/wavves_blue_grinder-300x300.jpg 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/wavves_blue_grinder-100x100.jpg 100w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/wavves_blue_grinder-50x50.jpg 50w" sizes="(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px" />
Weed legalisation is gaining serious momentum worldwide and Apple need to jump on this trend. Not only will the company seem all hip and down with the kids, but with people routinely more confused, they’ll be more likely to wander into an Apple store before leaving a grand lighter and with a free grinder.
 
One Direction toothpaste
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Everyone loves One Direction. Everyone. Their music is timeless, classy and ornate. They’re like Wham!, but, somehow, even better.
Plus, tweens adore them. And tweens have lots of money. Fuck it, just strap the One Direction toothpaste to Apple TVs and watch them fly off the shelves.
 
JLS condoms
<img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-28485" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/jls.jpg" alt="jls" width="960" height="720" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/jls.jpg 960w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/jls-300x225.jpg 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/jls-50x38.jpg 50w" sizes="(max-width: 960px) 100vw, 960px" />
Let’s face it, children are expensive. Raising one of them costs on average £225,000. Investing in these stylish dick hats means Apple won’t have to worry about all that money going on something other than a new MacBook Pro.
If that doesn’t do, whipping out a JLS condom is gonna be an effective contraceptive whatever.
I’ve got to say, it was good to see Apple buying Beats. There’s nothing more legitimate than purchasing street-cred. Just make sure if you’re in a band you have a slick selection of merch, otherwise you may never become fabulously wealthy. Remember, never lose sight of what the music business is all about: money.

Feature: What musicians’ merch should Apple buy next?

Artwork by Jimmy Wragg <a href="https://twitter.com/Sui42" target="_blank">(@Sui42)</a>
<iframe src="//www.youtube.com/embed/XtW6HW8jO_U" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe>
Ever since watching Scarface, I’ve always wanted to break into slinging class A’s. Everything about it speaks to me: the women, the houses, the lifestyle. I mean, I’ve never actually finished the film, but I don’t see it ending badly.
Well, turns out I’m in luck. The video for ‘Brick In Yo Face’ by the Miami-based Stitches is tailor made for those of us who want a simple guide to conducting yourself in the drug trade.
 
Get face tattoos 
<img class="alignnone size-large wp-image-28216" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2014/05/photo-1-1024x768.png" alt="photo 1" width="640" height="480" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-1-1024x768.png 1024w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-1-300x225.png 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-1-50x38.png 50w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-1.png 2048w" sizes="(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" />
How can you deal gak if you don’t look the part? Personally, I wouldn’t consider buying any Colombian marching powder unless the dude shotting it has a gun, or at the very least a knife or baton, inked across his face.
Think of the police as well. Are they really gonna arrest a fella with an AK-47 on his cheek for dealing drugs? Unlikely. They’ll probably try and get you on weapons charges instead. On that note…
 
You need guns. Lots of guns.
<img class="alignnone size-large wp-image-28217" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-2-1024x768.png" alt="photo 2" width="640" height="480" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-2-1024x768.png 1024w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-2-300x225.png 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-2-50x38.png 50w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-2.png 2048w" sizes="(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" />
Anyone who says you shouldn’t mix violence and drugs is a pussy and should stop reading this right away.
 
Live for your profession 
<img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-28222" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/love-selling-blow.gif" alt="love selling blow" width="600" height="317" />
 
Stringent quality control
<img class="alignnone size-large wp-image-28218" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-3-1024x768.png" alt="photo 3" width="640" height="480" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-3-1024x768.png 1024w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-3-300x225.png 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-3-50x38.png 50w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-3.png 2048w" sizes="(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" /> 
If you have an inferior product, you’re not gonna sell any. Stitches knows this. There’s no other reason he’d fling a brick of blow round a room otherwise. Well, unless it’s filled with talcum powder. Which it obviously isn’t.
 
Store that snow in style
<img class="alignnone size-large wp-image-28219" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-4-1024x768.png" alt="photo 4" width="640" height="480" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-4-1024x768.png 1024w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-4-300x225.png 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-4-50x38.png 50w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/05/photo-4.png 2048w" sizes="(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px" />
So now you’re a top dealer pushing enough bricks to build a house, you’ve got to make sure you’re rolling with a timeless sense of class. Cultivating this is no easy task though. While transporting your nose candy, you’re faced with a tough decision between style and safety and straddling that divide is no picnic. There’s only one choice that fits the criteria: a bin liner.
There it is. In just over three flawless minutes Stitches laid down the definitive guide to starting your life as a jet-setting drug baron. If you do end up making millions from these tips, remember who wrote the article and let you in on the secrets. I’ll accept payments in cash or cocaine.

Man vs. Video: Stitches – Brick In Yo Face

Nymphomaniac: Volume I is the most recent offering from everyone’s favorite Dane, Lars von Trier.
The premise is somewhat of a cliché and the opening of the film delivers us to an enclosed alleyway (which has a distinct ‘film set’ feel) where a man discovers a bloody and beaten women. She does not want to the police to be called and the man takes her home for a cup of tea, where she is, without hesitation, able to open up about her life story to a complete stranger.
The narrative undulates between Joe’s (Charlotte Gainsbourg) recollections of her exploits as a self-diagnosed nymphomaniac and Seligman’s (Stellan Skarsgård) metaphorical interpretations of her confessions which include fly-fishing, Bach and cake forks.
<div id="attachment_27389" style="width: 650px" class="wp-caption alignnone"><a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2014/03/chapter_1_photo_by_Christian_Geisnaes.jpg"><img aria-describedby="caption-attachment-27389" class="size-large wp-image-27389" alt="B & Joe (Sophie Kennedy Clark & Stacy Martin)" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/03/chapter_1_photo_by_Christian_Geisnaes-640x363.jpg" width="640" height="363" /></a>B & Joe (Sophie Kennedy Clark & Stacy Martin)</div>
The film performs a delicate balancing act between revealing the debilitating nature of addiction and lighter moments chronicling Joe’s sexual discoveries. As a teenager Joe’s friend ‘B’, the ring leader of a group who chant “mea maxima vulva” in a cult-like manner and are forbidden from sleeping with any man more than once, triggers Joe’s continuing descent. Whilst B, whose sworn enemy was once love, succumbs to a loving relationship, Joe continues down a path of self-destruction, embarking on a unfulfilling and relentless quest.
Stacy Martin, perfectly cast as Joe’s younger-self, plays out Joe’s story as framed by her older self, from Seligman’s sparsely furnished apartment. Martin’s wonderfully innocent face, chronicles 30 years of a sprawling and chaotic sex-life, set against a backdrop of a beige 70s style England.
Uma Thurman steals the show with a surreal and maniacal cameo. When Joe’s backfired attempt to get rid of a clingy lover results in him leaving his wife (Thurman) for her, she appears at Joe’s apartment, children in tow, ready to dementedly wedge herself in her husband extramarital affair with as much vigor as is possible. Spurred on by her rage and a ‘duty’ to teach her three boys all about Daddy’s new life she asks, “Would it be all right if I showed the children the whoring bed?,” which of course is fast becoming the most quoted line of the film. Unhinged, psychotic & hysterical Therman’s performance certainly makes an impression on the viewer, but all the while, Joe remains unflinching.
<div id="attachment_27388" style="width: 650px" class="wp-caption alignnone"><a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/03/chapter_3_photo_by_zentropa.jpg"><img aria-describedby="caption-attachment-27388" class="size-large wp-image-27388" alt="Uma Thurman as 'Mrs. H'" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2014/03/chapter_3_photo_by_zentropa-640x359.jpg" width="640" height="359" /></a>Uma Thurman as ‘Mrs. H’</div>
Although chronicling a first-person perspective of a female sex-addict, the movie has a male filter applied. Joe’s sexual journey features her dressed up like a hooker, a schoolgirl and a secretary. As a teenager she roams train cars with her friend B for penises to blow and as a young adult seeks out office-based affairs. Perhaps Joe herself is so ingrained in a culture that focuses on the male perception of sexuality, she actively seeks these fantasies that she knows will please her male lovers. Or maybe von Trier is employing some kind of male lens with the intent of critiquing it. Either way the more important question is whether Joe is telling her story truthfully or merely trying to please her attentive audience. Seligman regularly assures her she is not as evil as she thinks and avoids Joe’s unspoken wish for verbal punishment which helps to divert those viewers whose immediate reaction might be condemnation of her actions. Indeed it is not a-given that Joe is even telling the truth. She is frequently prompted by objects in the room as starting points for her tales, coincidence or artistic license on her part?
Many questions remain unanswered, setting up a promising pretense for Volume II, which is sure to delight, offend and divide audiences in typical Lars von Trier style.
Nymphomaniac: Volume I is showing at cinemas around the UK and in Europe, and you can watch both films On Demand from <a href="https://www.curzoncinemas.com/nymphomaniac/">Curzon Cinema’s.</a>

Film Review: Nymphomaniac: Volume I, Lars von Trier

Artwork by Jimmy Wragg <a href="https://twitter.com/Sui42" target="_blank">(@Sui42)</a> 

There are moments in popular music history that, due to their seismic impact, will never be forgotten. Elvis joining the army. The Beatles’ first tour of America. Grandmaster Flash releasing ‘The Message’. The list goes on…
Well, let me be the first to tell you that James Blake and Chance The Rapper doing a song together is more important than all of them combined.
<img class="size-large wp-image-24727 alignnone" alt="Evernote Camera Roll 20131023 201101" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2013/10/Evernote-Camera-Roll-20131023-201101-640x480.png" width="640" height="480" />
‘Life Round Here’ opens with a shot of some trees. At first I thought there was something up with my laptop’s video, black and white? I was literally seconds away from loosing a primal howl before I realised this might mean something. The question was though, what?
Then I got it.
Stick with me here, and try to keep up, we’re about to delve into some serious analysis. Now, James Blake is an indie(-ish) artist, while Chance The Rapper politely categorises his genre for us, and these are two different types of music that rarely cross. You could say that their genres are polar opposites, the former generally inward looking, the latter outward, almost as if they’re BLACK AND WHITE. Stacking further layers of meaning, I noticed that James Blake is white and Chance is black! Imagine that!
I almost pissed myself from excitement.
<img class="size-large wp-image-24732 alignnone" alt="Evernote Camera Roll 20131023 201050" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/10/Evernote-Camera-Roll-20131023-201050-640x480.png" width="640" height="480" />
After this we’re treated to above image, which is something I haven’t managed to comprehend. Any idea what a group of “bad bitches” “poppin'” in front of a “stately home” could mean in this context? Me neither.
<img class="size-large wp-image-24733 alignnone" alt="Evernote Camera Roll 20131023 201108" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/10/Evernote-Camera-Roll-20131023-201108-640x480.png" width="640" height="480" />
Here, Chance The Rapper is in a ‘leader’ hat with a bird hanging hard in the back. Now, I could be wrong, but I think the cap is suggesting that Blake and Chance are some kind revolutionaries blazing a path of pure originality. Or it’s just a cap.
That fancy-ass crow then takes flight shortly after this shot. With birds being a symbol of boundless spirit and exploration, as they can travel to places humans are unable to, I think this builds on the suggestions of the creative track they’re trundling down. Put it this way, have you ever considered what the world would be like if rap and rock somehow combined to make a <a href="https://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/364417/Fred+Durst.jpg" target="_blank">new genre</a> of music <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4B_UYYPb-Gk" target="_blank">unheard before</a>?
<img class="alignnone size-large wp-image-24736" alt="Capture" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/10/Capture-640x481.png" width="640" height="481" />
The final shot of the video is of the (Brits read: fucking massive) (Americans read: undersized) car they’re driving down the road melting into the mist. Honestly, this shot kinda confused me, it’s definitely not the ending I would’ve chosen. I mean, if the whole of the ‘Life Round Here’ video is filled with juxtapositions to reference how CRAAAAZY it is for an indie musician and rapper to be working together, shouldn’t the end have reflected the song itself? The car should have crashed.

Man vs. Video: James Blake & Chance The Rapper – Life Round Here

With festival season upon us, revelers around the world are stocking up on noodles, dusting off their plastic ponchos and shaking out last year’s gritty remnants from their tents.
For me, the festival experience has always seemed like a depressingly capitalistic version of the Aborigines Walkabout. To clarify, I’m talking about a rite of passage marking a transition between the stages of our lives, not the shitty Australian theme bar. Yet regardless of the people who may be profiteering out of our experience, there’s something about the allure of spending a week escaping reality that keeps us coming back for more.
It starts with preteen stumbling and groping through the fields of Leeds and Reading in an escape from parents and structure. Doing stuff you usually wouldn’t and will definitely regret.
<img class="aligncenter" alt="Embarrassing Leeds" src="https://evolutionofhatred.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/leeds-9.jpg" width="424" height="357" />
Then, once you’ve actually developed a taste in music, you find yourself exploring the ‘slightly’ more niche festivals such as <a href="https://www.rebellionfestivals.com">Rebellion</a>, <a href="https://mamacolive.com/thegreatescape/">The Great Escape</a> or <a href="https://www.atpfestival.com">ATP</a>.
This entails pretty much the same thing as before, except you actually see some of the bands, and you’ve no excuse for waking up underneath a 40 year old woman in a portaloo. Purely hypothetical example of course…
Katherine, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry.
<img class="aligncenter" title="Source: Christopher Furlong/Getty Images Europe" alt="Baring it all at Rebellion festival" src="https://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Punks+Gather+Annual+Rebellion+Festival+XYDvnOaMmNll.jpg" width="405" height="594" />
Next you hit University and the realisation that Friday night in your hometown wasn’t the pulsing social hub of the world that you thought. There’s actually other places to get messed up, other countries nonetheless.
In essence international festivals, such as <a href="https://www.hideoutfestival.com">Hideout</a>, offer people the chance to get off their faces somewhere they probably wouldn’t have visited otherwise. There’s usually some pretty decent weather too. I’d like to write something about embracing different cultures but who am I kidding?
<a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2013/05/images_gallery_2012_main_event_orig_IMG_8851.jpg"><img class=" wp-image-21938 aligncenter" alt="_images_gallery_2012_main_event_orig_IMG_8851" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/images_gallery_2012_main_event_orig_IMG_8851.jpg" width="515" height="343" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/images_gallery_2012_main_event_orig_IMG_8851.jpg 1000w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/images_gallery_2012_main_event_orig_IMG_8851-300x200.jpg 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/images_gallery_2012_main_event_orig_IMG_8851-50x33.jpg 50w" sizes="(max-width: 515px) 100vw, 515px" /></a>
Finally you find yourself in the shadow of the giants, the monolithic age-old festivals like Glastonbury and Burning man. Festivals that are no longer simply a weekend away from responsibilities but yearly milestones celebrated by millions.
<a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/medium_8338014285.jpg"><img class="wp-image-22185 aligncenter" alt="Glatsonburysunfall" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/medium_8338014285.jpg" width="500" height="375" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/medium_8338014285.jpg 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/medium_8338014285-300x225.jpg 300w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/05/medium_8338014285-50x38.jpg 50w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
Whilst comparing the festival experience to some kind of walkabout, I started wondering whether spending the weekend drinking cider in a muddy field had the same kind of spiritual effect.
I wondered whether some Glastonbury veterans – those who had attended the fetival for ten years or more – could impart some sage-like wisdom on embracing the esoteric mysteries of the experience.
After speaking to a shit ton on Twitter the sum of their centuries of experience was;
– Avoid the portaloos and shit in a ditch 
– Bring bin bags 
– Drink cider because it’s more bearable than warm lager
In conclusion, it seems no matter how long you’ve spent wandering around a field in a daze, you still don’t know what’s really going on. A bit like life, it’s all about having fun.
Crack In The Road will be at <a href="https://www.glastonburyfestivals.co.uk">Glastonbury Festival</a> this year from the 27-30th June. If you’ve got any recommendations of what we should see or anyone you think we need to avoid, get in touch or leave a comment below.

Feature: Centuries of Wisdom

UPDATE: You can now win tickets for CITR #002 by entering our competition <a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/22058-win-tickets-to-citr-live-002/">here</a>.
Yo Yo Yo. So, CITR LIVE #001 is now well behind us. If you came, thanks a fuckin’ bunch, if you didn’t, you can make it up to us by coming to our next party: the imaginatively titled ‘CITR LIVE #002’.
This month we’re doing things slightly differently, pairing 4 musicians with 4 video artists who have been peaking our collective interests over the last month.
It’s sure to be an audio/visual feast.
Check out this month’s acts below, side by side with the visual artists we’ve paired them with.
See you there!
9-LATE 
£5
BUSSEY BUILDING: PECKHAM
18+
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/503640323024237/?fref=ts">EVENT RSVP</a>
LAW
“The video for ‘Hustle’ is as menacing as it is brilliant, projecting an insight into the troubling, warped subject matter of a track that is very cleverly presented in a shroud of pop sensibilities.” – Ben Blackburn
<iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/FLzJKZkiEyY" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe>
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Pauline Nadal
This soon to be Central St. Martins graduate has a stunning practice that draws our attention to the specificity of different materials, creating films and photographs that heightens our awareness of the seemingly mundane with goose bump inducing detail, resulting in some truly transfixing videos.
<iframe src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/43618647" width="500" height="369" frameborder="0" title="material I" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen></iframe>
PHORIA
“With utterly sublime vocals that float effortlessly between the layers of handclaps and film samples, it’s not too far from the ‘sadcore’ sound currently being pioneered by SOHN; yet with an added narrative element. Amidst the despair and desperation, there’s an underlying feeling that Phoria truly have a story to tell, and I’m more than eager to hear it.” – Josh Dalton
<iframe src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F84756284" width="100%" height="166" frameborder="no" scrolling="no"></iframe>
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Charlotte Cousins
I bet you didn’t know our very own art writer Charlie also makes films! Focusing on personal memory through different object and subjects. The fragility and sentimentality portrayed through Charlie’s work makes you want a piece of your very own to take care of in one of those special wooden boxes that houses all your precious keepsakes.
<iframe src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/59394546" width="500" height="281" frameborder="0" title="opacity1" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen></iframe>
PALE
“Pale’s new song ‘Two Wrongs’ ties together this synthesis of direct opposite ends of the spectrum segueing into one harmonised piece. Another work of unrestrained, emotion-heavy synth-pop, it’s harsh on the heart but gorgeous on the ears.” – This Is Fake DIY
<iframe src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F87968701" width="100%" height="166" frameborder="no" scrolling="no"></iframe>
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Will Kendrick
If you were at CitR Live last month, you would have seen Will Kendrick as a part of art collective MadeScapes. Following slightly with the same ethos, Will’s personal practice is between an obsession of light, colour, and glitch imagery. Initially exploring the boundaries of painting, Will’s practice is contributing massively to the conversation of art’s progression toward the digital aesthetic.
<iframe width="500" height="281" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/IZ-Ce63Vsdg?feature=oembed" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Funk Ethics
Obsession is a sonically graceful lullaby turned perverse lust for a controlling obsession. Agerskow’s vocals are pitch-perfect, yet are aimed so freely they land in the most sporadically beautiful of ways. Just close enough to being apathetic to hint at something unhinged and psychotic. – Joel Chima
<iframe src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F62899465" width="100%" height="166" frameborder="no" scrolling="no"></iframe>
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Joe Evans
Bristol based Joe Evans kaleidoscopic music visuals entrance you in the same way as, well…Kaleidoscopes. This 8 video youtube playlist needs no introduction, but it will definitely distract you if you’re doing anything important and, during CitR Live #02 will induce ‘bug-eyedness’ whilst your shmoosin’ to Funk Ethics.
<iframe width="500" height="281" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/videoseries?list=UUa3lAzFaxqLfJSfnLkrEVow" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
 
Massive thanks as always to Som Cunningham for designing the poster.
See you on the 30th.

Announcement : CitR Live #002 – LAW, PHORIA, PALE, FUNK ETHICS – Visuals by Joe Evans, Will Kendrick, Charlotte Cousins & Pauline Nadal

<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/tag/man-vs-video/" target="_blank">Man vs. Video</a> is a bit looking at the often ignored world of music videos, written by a self-styled asshole with a Lit degree. Artwork by Jimmy Wragg <a href="https://twitter.com/Sui42" target="_blank">(@Sui42)</a> and words by C R Booth <a href="https://twitter.com/c_r_booth" target="_blank">(@C_R_Booth)</a> 

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIigWhNt4sI
You can call me a party-pooper if you want, if anyone actually uses the phrase “party-pooper” these days, but my first thoughts when watching the start of A$AP Ferg’s new video for ‘Persian Wine’ were dominated by the rampant health and safety violations. To begin with, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIigWhNt4sI#t=0m23s" target="_blank">@00:23</a> we see a shirtless gentleman waving around an AK-47, which cannot adhere to any of the recommendations laid out by responsible gun-user associations. The whole thing just screams “blown-off nipple” to me.
If that wasn’t bad enough, a guy then climbs/walks on a ladder <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIigWhNt4sI#t=0m37s" target="_blank">@00:37</a> with no safety equipment visible whatsoever. It’s a good job that A$AP Ferg & Co. decide to kidnap the man, otherwise who knows what damage he would’ve done to himself wandering around that abandoned building? I hope that <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIigWhNt4sI#t=0m57s" target="_blank">@00:57</a> they’re praying for him to gain a bit more common sense; danger awareness is an important attribute for adults.
Something that the video re-roused in my mind is bewilderment over grillz. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIigWhNt4sI#t=1m07s" target="_blank">@01:07</a> we get a close-up of Ferg’s shiny, shiny teeth, which, as $$$WAG as they look, just make me think about how you go about your day-to-day business with metallic dentures. Do you have to take them out to eat? Do they need polishing every night? Do they make your mouth taste weird? The more I think about it, the more it appears to be a sure-fire way to get a huge dentist bill.
Making the ‘Persian Wine’ video even more perplexing, a kid with grillz turns up <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIigWhNt4sI#t=2m32s" target="_blank">halfway through the piece</a>. If I wasn’t already confused enough about their role, this child muddied the waters further. What’s going to happen as he grows up? I suppose they could be handed down to other younglings, but surely they have to molded to a person’s dentures, making the whole thing a financial car crash.
So, in summary, I need a goddamn pair of grillz as soon as humanly possible.

Man vs. Video: A$AP Ferg – Persian Wine

This Thursday, also known as 25th April, Crack In The Road is putting on its first ever live show, the imaginatively-titled <a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/525433147500120/?ref=ts&fref=ts" target="_blank">CitR Live #001</a>. For a measly £5 you can watch not only some of the buzziest buzz-bands about, but you also get to enjoy them surrounded by some arty stuff courtesy of MadeScapes^.
Now, you may be thinking: “CitR Live sounds good and everything, but five pounds? I don’t think so”. If that’s indeed your train of thought, my reflex was to track you down and slap you upside-the-head, but, fortunately/unfortunately, lethargy halted this action shortly after inception. Even though physical inaction won the battle, I knew that something had to be done.
Then, it hit me! If I put together a list of five things that are worse value for money than CitR Live, it would solve everybody’s problems.
Shout out to Jimmy Wragg, whose blog is <a href="https://j-wragg.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">here</a>, for putting together the cover image for the post. You can follow him on twitter with <a href="https://twitter.com/Sui42" target="_blank">@sui42.</a>
 
A Pint
<img class="alignnone" alt="" src="https://www.tamarachristensen.com/uploads/2012/10/pint.jpg" width="300" height="400" />
Yeah, okay, so a pint might only cost a fiver in (reasonably) swanky central London bars, but still, a fiver?! Fuck off. If you’re going to spend your money on alcohol, rather than watching <a href="https://jamieisaac.bandcamp.com/" target="_blank">Jamie Isaac</a> rip it up, then show a little bit of sense and grab yourself a few cans of Special Brew or, at the very least, a bottle of Frosty Jacks. #classy4LYF
 
Five Packs Of Premier League Football Stickers
<img class="alignnone" alt="" src="https://www.theintoy.co.uk/images/images_big/premfull.jpg" width="500" height="500" />
To be fair, five pounds would buy you quite a few stickers. The real problem is that, although you might get close to fifty stickers, you’re really only just scratching the surface of one of those ridiculous-sized annuals you have to stick them all in. Plus, I can guarantee that, of those five packs, over half of them are gonna be doubles. Even if they’re your first stickers of the season.
 
A Single Peak Ticket From Neasden To Plaistow
<img class="alignnone" alt="" src="https://www.mytrainticket.co.uk/admin/image-resizer.php?w=508&h=260&keepAspect=y&crop=y&img=project/uploaded-media/travelcard.jpg" width="508" height="260" />
Firstly, why would anyone want to travel from Neasden to Plaistow in the first place? Secondly, why anyone would shell out almost a fiver for that abortion of a journey? It’s not even like travelling on the tube is a pleasant experience; all you’re gonna get is a sore arse and a strong smell of piss.
 
Two iPhone Cases That Look Like Cassette Tapes 

<img class="alignnone" alt="" src="https://technabob.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/iphone_cassette_case.jpg" width="600" height="630" />
I’m not confident that having two iPhone cases would be all that useful, but I guess you could double-up for extra protection (HA!). Anyway, I never really “got” the whole making your phone look like a tape thing. Do people think that if they get mugged the robber will just leave them alone because they’re confused about why they’re carrying round a tape?
 
A Three Piece Combo Meal From Your Local Chicken Shop 

<img class="alignnone" alt="" src="https://www.clevescene.com/binary/24e3/1292358458-fried-chicken.jpg" width="430" height="300" />
Okay, you’ve got me, this is actually better than the gig.
 
There you have it! The shameless plugging is over and, hopefully, I’ve convinced you of the positive impact that coming to CitR Live #001 will have on your life. The Facebook page for the event can be found <a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/525433147500120/" target="_blank">here,</a> while you can grab tickets from <a href="https://www.residentadvisor.net/event.aspx?466892" target="_blank">Resident Adviser</a> or <a href="https://www.wegottickets.com/event/216179" target="_blank">WeGotTickets</a>. Go on, you know you want to.

Feature: Five Things You Could Waste A Fiver On

As you’ve undoubtedly heard, <a href="https://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2013/apr/14/justin-bieber-anne-frank-belieber" target="_blank">Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam</a> and, in the guestbook, left a message which said that he hoped “she would have been a belieber”. I’ll be honest, when I first came across the story I was taken aback, stunned into disbelief even; Bieber was right! I bet if Anne Frank was born in the late 1990s, she would have thrown away that dumb paper diary (so pre-Y2K lol) and would have her very own Tumblr filled with pictures of Justin Bieber with text like “<3THR0B” and “HAWT STUFF” emblazoned across them.
This got me thinking, if Anne Frank was born in the last twenty-odd years, we might have not read her diary, which was a MAJOR DRAG btw, and be gifted instead with a sweet-ass twitter feed. So, this caused me to ponder what other historical figures would be fans of musicians today.
All the images were put-together by the always excellent James Wragg and you can have a look at his boner-inspiring blog <a href="https://j-wragg.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">here</a>.
Emmeline Pankhurst & Beyoncé
<a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/21167-feature-beliebe-in-yourself/attachment/diag1/" rel="attachment wp-att-21287"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" src="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2013/04/diag1.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="400" /></a>
This one goes out to all the feminists worldwide! <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emmeline_Pankhurst" target="_blank">Emmeline Pankhurst,</a> one of the most influential and pivotal figures in the struggle for women’s rights, rocked it out for all the single ladies in the early 20th Century, while Beyoncé is, well, Beyoncé. Ms. Pankhurst would be wild about the ex-Destiny’s Child diva, infatuated with how she is SMASHING down the walls of injustice.
I might not be the foremost authority on Pankhurst or the Suffragette movement, but I can guarantee that everything would have gone smoother if she took a leaf out of Beyoncé’s book and hired someone to <a href="https://www.gq.com/women/photos/201301/beyonce-cover-story-interview-gq-february-2013" target="_blank">film her every waking moment</a>. This would have not only meant those pesky police officers couldn’t have roughed up the protestors, but also got to the core of what the Women’s Movement was really about; the opportunity for mindless vanity. Plus, I bet she’d have looked FABULOUS breaking those windows.
Then, just have a quick think about how much quicker the Suffragettes would have achieved their aims if they combined their rhetoric with an improved public image. It’s like that interview where Beyoncé was all like:
“You know, equality is a myth, and for some reason, everyone accepts the fact that women don’t make as much money as men do. I don’t understand that. Why do we have to take a backseat? I truly believe that women should be financially independent from their men. And let’s face it, money gives men the power to run the show. It gives men the power to define value. They define what’s sexy. And men define what’s feminine. It’s ridiculous.”
And, in the accompanying photos was dressed all like:
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/21167-feature-beliebe-in-yourself/attachment/beyonce-gq-cover/" rel="attachment wp-att-21168"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/04/beyonce-gq-cover.jpg" alt="" width="409" height="516" /></a>And, after reading it, I was all like:
“WOAH, BRAH, I DIDN’T KNO FEMINISM WAS SO SEXXXI”
I have to say, it kinda upsets me that Emmeline Pankhurst wasn’t around to be influenced by Beyoncé. If she had been, she would’ve quickly realised that the only way to be a strong woman and enact positive change in a patriarchal society is to show a bit of skin for the lads.
Al Capone & The Strokes
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/21167-feature-beliebe-in-yourself/attachment/diag2/" rel="attachment wp-att-21292"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/04/diag2.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="400" /></a>
Al Capone would have LOVED The Strokes. The O.G. bootlegger was born and raised in rough streets of Brooklyn and kicked out of school at 14, while The Strokes were also from New York, albeit via Swiss Boarding & Fancy Art Schools. The humble beginnings of The Strokes would have pleased the self-made-mobster and, as a well-dressed fellow, he would have definitely appreciated how SHARP they looked back in the day.
I also think that Mr Capone would have truly emphasised with the Strokes’ career arc. The gangster was hugely successful and loved by the public until around the time he was involved in the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine%27s_Day_Massacre" target="_blank">Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre</a>. On the other side, The Strokes were hugely successful and loved by the public until around the time of First Impressions Of Earth. Which, to be fair to all parties, was probably worse than the slaughter. See! Uncannily identical lives.
To further muddle the boundaries between them, Al Capone died in 1947 following a stroke.
Malcolm X & Vampire Weekend
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/21167-feature-beliebe-in-yourself/attachment/diag3/" rel="attachment wp-att-21298"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/04/diag3.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="400" /></a>
If there was one thing that Malcolm X loved, it was white people. And who are the whitest white people around? Vampire Weekend! At the time of writing, and I doubt it’s gonna change any time soon, the two most successful artists to take “heavy influence” from Afro-Pop are Paul Simon and Vampire Weekend. This would have been an endless source of satisfaction for Mr. X; there’s nothing that man loved more than a bunch of crackers appropriating black culture and receiving vast financial rewards for it. Nothing. Well, unless Vampire Weekend got blacked-up in dashikis of course.
Genghis Khan & Morrissey
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/21167-feature-beliebe-in-yourself/attachment/khan1/" rel="attachment wp-att-21338"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/04/khan1.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="400" /></a>
My god, would these two be the best buddies that the whole entire world has ever seen or what? Dinner time? No problem! Genghis Khan was a dedicated vegetarian. The warlord loved his salad and would have never, ever even dreamed of eating an animal. Violence? The Khan-meister couldn’t stand it. I can see the two of them now, hanging out in their pajamas and talking deep into the inky night about their feelings and peace and poetry and love and delicate things.
Morrissey also famously declared the Chinese a <a href=".https://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/sep/03/morrissey-china-subspecies-racism" target="_blank">“sub-species”</a> and this comment would have made Genghis punch the air in jubilation; he couldn’t stand those of an Asian descent either. Getting TOPICAL, they’d have both bonded over their dislike of Thatcher. One thing I can say with certainty is that there’s no way the Mongolian would have admired her; he hated fucking people.

Feature: Beliebe In Yourself

<a href="https://www.datpiff.com" target="_blank">DatPiff </a>is an awesome site. Even if you ignore the fact that it’s the premium location for finding new mixtapes, it has the hidden benefit of being a veritable cornucopia of cover art. Now, I didn’t want to ruin the magic of many of these album covers with small concerns like “what it actually sounds like”, so I take no responsibility for the quality of the music. Well then, without further ado, and in no particular order, I present my ten favourite pieces of artwork from DatPiff this week.
 
1) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/A-Rodge-Ele-mixtape.470650.html" target="_blank">A-Rodge – E.L.E.</a>
<a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/a-rodge_ele-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20552"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2013/03/A-Rodge_Ele-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
Just take a moment and look at those eyes. There’s an endless expanse of pain and suffering that seems to seep out from them, I mean he’s smiling, but I’m far from convinced that he’s actually happy. It also probably doesn’t help that he looks like the lass from <a href="https://socialnewsdaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Overly-Attached-Girlfriend-Uses-Meme-For-Charity.png" target="_blank">Overly Attached Girlfriend</a> meme. I’m also digging the backwards cap with the quiff poking through. It’s a strong look that balances gangsta style for the men out there, with a seductive, metrosexual tint for DA LAYDEEZ. I’ve also heard that bitches love comic sans.
 
2) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/Various-Artists-Ballers-Vol3-mixtape.470490.html" target="_blank">Various Artists – Beach Ballin</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/beach-ballin/" rel="attachment wp-att-20565"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/beach-ballin.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
When observing a truly great piece of art, your mind should be awash with the questions you need to ask in order to comprehend the covert meaning of the imagery, and Beach Ballin is no different. What’s the deal with that woman in the background to the left? Why is the bro in the middle staring at that the giant woman’s elbow? On that note, why is she so massive? What kind of man who is so close to a sack full of CA$H and has such a luminescent watch would drink out of a plastic cup? These are the kind of queries that make us human.
3) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/LITTLE-MAN-Its-Lils-The-Demo-no-Pen-Or-Paper-mixtape.470827.html" target="_blank">Little Man! – It’s Lil’s … The Demo! (No Pen Or Paper!</a>)
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/little_man_its_lils_the_demo_no_pen_or_pap-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20615"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/LITTLE_MAN_Its_Lils_The_Demo_no_Pen_Or_Pap-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
It’s Little Man! This cover upsets me slightly! The man is holding a fist full of cash, yet claims he can’t afford a pen or paper, or, seemingly, a shirt! That displays a serious issue with dealing with the realities of everyday life! At least he has that cleaver, so he can hunt his own food, because, with his inability to even sort out the appropriate level of his stationary needs, I feel that going to the supermarket might be beyond him!
4) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/Boy-Logix-Ass-Nation-mixtape.470788.html" target="_blank">Boy Logix & InFiniti – Ass Nation</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/boy_logix_infiniti_ass_nation-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20617"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/Boy_Logix_InFiniti_Ass_Nation-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
If there’s one thing that I’ve learnt in my 24 years, it’s that there’s no such thing as too much ass or too much lens flare.
5) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/jfrass-Easter-Bashment-It-Tun-Over-2013-mixtape.470563.html" target="_blank">Jfrass – Easter Bashment It Tun Over 2013</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/jfrass_easter_bashment_it_tun_over_2013-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20619"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/jfrass_Easter_Bashment_It_Tun_Over_2013-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
Jfrass does not fuck with the whole “reading something from top-to-bottom” tradition, he’s far too much of a badass for that. Truthfully though, if I was his size and towered over a room of shadow people, I too would disregard the traditions of the written word. Got to say, I hope Jfrass is getting some money for that Usain Bolt advert, otherwise the athlete is just taking advantage of the “The Mix Master’s” fame.
6) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/King-Pimpin-King-Pimpin-Muzik-Volume-2-Hoodbound-Edition-mixtape.470412.html" target="_blank">King Pimpin – King Pimping Muzik Volume 2 Hoodbound Edition</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/king_pimpin_king_pimpin_muzik_volume_2_hoodbound_e-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20621"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/King_Pimpin_King_Pimpin_Muzik_Volume_2_Hoodbound_E-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
Photoshop is a phenomenal tool. It still amazes me that images can be edited in such a seamless manner that, fifty years ago, experts would have been unlikely to recognise them as fake. Now, I’m not wholly confident that this has image has been edited at all, as surely anyone who would grant themselves the moniker “King Pimpin” would possess their own throne from which to pimp. Otherwise, they’d have to call themselves “Manager Pimpin” or “Associate Pimping”, and I don’t believe King Pimpin would lie to me like that.
7) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/the-drew-ftlil-john-marine-brown-The-Drew-Dope-Shit-mixtape.470514.html" target="_blank">The Drew Feat. Lil John Marine Brown – The Drew Dope Shit</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/the_drew_ftlil_john_marine_brown_the_drew_dope_shi-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20623"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/the_drew_ftlil_john_marine_brown_The_Drew_Dope_Shi-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
Sometimes, I feel that artists just put in too much effort, what happened to nonchalance?
8) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/ZooBoyChapo-This-Is-All-I-Know-Part1-mixtape.470536.html" target="_blank">ZooBoyChapo – This Is All I Know Part 1</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/zooboychapo_this_is_all_i_know_part1-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20626"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/ZooBoyChapo_This_Is_All_I_Know_Part1-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
This might be the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. It’s pure $$$WAG visualised in motherfucking SPACE. There are dollars, UFOs AND a submarine.
9) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/Killa-Throwed-Ufo-Fly-2013-mixtape.470137.html" target="_blank">Killa Throwed & Day Beatz – UFO Fly</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/killa_throwed_daybeatz_ufo_fly_2013-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20628"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/Killa_Throwed_DayBeatZ_Ufo_Fly_2013-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
Now this guy I don’t like. I’m not sure if it’s that unsettling leer, his glowing third nipple or simply the fact that he’s swearing at me.
10) <a href="https://www.datpiff.com/NOAH-The-Chronicles-Of-Noah-ditibution-mixtape.471180.html" target="_blank">NOAH – Tha Chronicles Of Noah (Di$Tibution)</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/20551-feature-the-ten-best-mixtape-covers-on-datpiff-this-week/attachment/noah_the_chronicles_of_noah_ditibution-front-large/" rel="attachment wp-att-20661">><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/03/NOAH_The_Chronicles_Of_Noah_ditibution-front-large.jpg" width="500" height="500" /></a>
There’s nothing quite like staring off into the middle distance to make me perceive you as a deep-thinker and/or philosopher. Hold on, what’s this? Military insignia? Is it possible that NOAH has a violent edge to his musings? Maybe, but then, maybe not. All I know is that whatever he’s pondering, it’s going to be a weighty and serious topic.
So, there we have it. The Ten Best Mixtape Covers On DatPiff this week is over. We’ve learnt a lot, had some emotional moments and come out the other side better, smarter and with more SWAGGER. #thuglyf

Feature: The Ten Wildest Mixtape Covers This Week

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkghyKKQDss
In my <a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/videos/19336-video-review-charli-xcx-you-ha-ha-ha/" target="_blank">Charli XCX edition of Man vs. Video</a>, I made a comment about how her video was popular-online-opinion-pandering “web vomit”, on account of the opening shots of the ‘You (Ha Ha Ha)’ video being constructing solely of ASS and (a) PUSSY(cat). What a pleasant surprise I had then when I began watching the video of current HYPEbbz Wolf Alice’s song ‘Fluffy’. It opens with the lead singer, who I assume is named Wolf as either a tribute to <a href="https://goodtoknow.media.ipcdigital.co.uk/111/0000024f8/85d4_orh100000w334/Wolf1.jpg" target="_blank">Wolf from Gladiators</a> or <a href="https://www.startrek.com/legacy_media/images/200307/worf01/320x240.jpg" target="_blank">Lieutenant Worf</a>, telling us the song is for her cat, Fluffy, who she has had neutered. First things first, the fact that Wolf said “neutered”, rather than “spayed”, suggests that this cat is male. This worries me, because who the fuck calls a male animal Fluffy? I’ll tell you, a goddamn nihilist, that’s who. That moniker is bad enough itself, but then Wolf goes and cuts Fluffy’s cock off, which, and I’m just putting this out there, I reckon she did herself with just a pair of nail clippers and the desire to do harm. Then, after all this, she has the hellish level of audacity to write a song as some kind of tribute to the fact you now have to talk about the cat’s masculinity in the past tense. We are dealing with dark depths of depravity here, people.
The rest of the group, who I will collectively refer to from here on as Alice, also show some alarming personality traits. The first of these appears at <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkghyKKQDss/#t=0m45s" target="_blank">00:45</a> when a 1/3 of Alice reveals that he has never been taught how to drink properly. There is something hugely upsetting about watching a fully-grown man failing to grasp the basics of self-nourishment. Watching him struggle gives me the same feeling I had at the end of the Jungle Book, when Mowgli enters society and you realise that, as he’s spent his entire life among animals, he has no, and will never have, any grasp of human language, let alone culture or traditions, and is doomed to spend the rest of his days an outsider, never being able to properly communicate, adapt or fit in. This is what I see when the milk spills down the front of a 1/3 of Alice’s top; a cascading waterfall of shame and loneliness you can almost see reflected in his cold, dead eyes.
There’s <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkghyKKQDss/#t=1m39s" target="_blank">a point in the video</a> where the removal of masculinity and the troubling characteristics of another 1/3 of Alice member cross paths. Here, one bandmate shows a complete inability to master the fundamentals of tool use. There might be some clever editing to show the actual hammer head hitting the fallen monitor, but I’m sharp-eyed enough to recognise 1/3 of Alice gearing up to hit the screen with the claw of the implement. As you can observe in <a href="https://content.artofmanliness.com/uploads/2009/09/hammerparts.jpg" target="_blank">this diagram</a>, the claw of a hammer is not made for hitting. It’s made for pulling on things, specifically nails. Now, if we consider that a hammer can observed as a representation of “male-ness” and has been literally inverted from its normal use alongside the neutering, there is an argument to be made that Wolf’s only goal in leading the band is to wage a brutal war on masculinity. Truly disturbing.
As I don’t want to leave the article finishing on such a negative note, I feel the final section of the ‘Fluffy’ video needs a little attention. The segment moves away from the hate and instead turns into some kind of MAD RAVE, albeit a densely underpopulated one. Now, there are some emotions and reactions that words struggle to describe and, unfortunately, this is one of those moments. Luckily though, there’s a gif set that sums up my feelings towards the conclusion of the piece with phenomenal accuracy.
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/19820-man-vs-video-wolf-alice-fluffy/attachment/maurice1/" rel="attachment wp-att-19823"><img class="size-full wp-image-19823 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2013/02/maurice1.gif" width="400" height="225" /></a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/19820-man-vs-video-wolf-alice-fluffy/attachment/maurice2/" rel="attachment wp-att-19824"><img class="size-full wp-image-19824 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/02/maurice2.gif" width="400" height="225" /></a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/19820-man-vs-video-wolf-alice-fluffy/attachment/maurice3/" rel="attachment wp-att-19825"><img class="size-full wp-image-19825 alignleft" style="margin-left: 0px;" alt="" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2013/02/maurice3.gif" width="400" height="225" /></a>

Man vs. Video: Wolf Alice – Fluffy

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LOZhaxTw0I
Deviating from my normal pattern of “reviewing” new videos, although, and let’s be honest here, they’re not so much reviews as opportunities to chat shit and make myself feel better about having no talent, I decided to take a look at a more classic (well, two months old) example of video art. Take a step forward then, Trinidad Jame$’ ‘All Gold Everything’. I must have watched this class-oozing opus at least thirty times and I still haven’t tired of it. Also, make sure you keep a careful eye peeled throughout the review for clever, hidden plays on the song title.
Right, in case you haven’t heard the song, and to break it down for you non-converts to the cause, Trinidad Jame$ cares only about a few, select things:
1) Gold chains
2) Gold rings
3) Gold watches
4) MDMA (which I assume he gets either spray-painted gold or, at the very least, contained in gold baggies)
5) Anything/Everything All Gold (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtjU3e0IYgc" target="_blank">WORDPLAY</a>)
The infatuation with aurous substances continues with the production of ‘All Gold Everything’. Mr. Jame$ and director Devon Gallaspy want everyone to be aware of what this video is about, so, at the very beginning of the piece, they pull a clever move and swathe the screen in a thick yellowish filter. Now, I might be reading too much into this, but I think, and bear in mind I said think, that the yellow colour is reminiscent of the colour of gold. To make sure that we’re aware of quite how well-off the rapper is, we’re treated to a veritable Argos catalogue sized collection of jewellery. It’s a sensory overload of affluence, one whose impressiveness is intensified in the way his regalia morphs into his name. I mean, one could even argue that gold is in everything (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtjU3e0IYgc" target="_blank">WORDPLAY</a>), including Trinidad Jame$ himself.
There is one gold item that I’m surprised isn’t mentioned in the lyrics though. At <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LOZhaxTw0I/#t=1m24s" target="_blank">01:25</a> we are treated to Trinidad Jame$ and his crew doing their best Reservoir Dogs impression, but then, out of (almost) nowhere, a gold shopping trolley appears. I’ve got to say, although this might be a spray painted cart, which I severely doubt is the case, as, remember, this is a world where children play <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LOZhaxTw0I/#t=0m23s" target="_blank">hula hoop with cuban linx</a>, there’s no way I’d let any of my friends near it, let alone one with a baseball bat. It might just be me, but if someone I knew had that much gold and I happened to be a holding a hefty piece of wood, I would twat that fucker and take-off with the loot. I can imagine having problems flogging it at Cash Convertors, but problems are made to be overcome.
Not everything is all gold in ‘All Gold Everything’ though (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtjU3e0IYgc" target="_blank">WORDPLAY</a>). The rapper takes some time out of his hectic, precious-metal focused lifestyle to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LOZhaxTw0I/#t=1m04s" target="_blank">hang out with a puppy</a>. At first, I couldn’t decipher what this meant. Is this how he has so much gold, through having a hound who, like those geese in Charlie & The Chocolate factory, shit solid gold everywhere? Or, more sinisterly, was this the next item on his list to get plated with gold? The fact of the matter is, I was blinded by how gold everything (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtjU3e0IYgc" target="_blank">WORDPLAY</a>) was.
As far as I can tell, the point in acquiring so much gold is to entice attractive members of your chosen gender to rub their genitals on your own, meaning that, in this case, this was a move for the LAYDEEZ. Throughout the majority of the video, Jame$ is rolling around, looking thuggish and hanging out hard with his <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LOZhaxTw0I/#t=0m53s" target="_blank">bros</a>. Now, this shows that Trinidad Jame$ is a dominant alpha male, but it probably doesn’t appeal to women looking for something more. So, in a move of genius, the puppy is introduced. This shows that not only can he roll deep in a badman style, but that he also has a sensitive side, which, as you read this, is currently making a multitude of minges moist worldwide. Probably.

Man vs. Video: Trinidad Jame$ – All Gold Everything

So with 2 weeks gone by since the very first year of <a href="https://brainchildfestival.co.uk/">Brainchild Festival</a>, I’m finally in a position to comment on the weekend. But before anyone, (let’s face it probably me), gets all self-masturbatory over what a stonking weekend it turned out to be; I’d firstly like to thank, the organizers, who allowed us to collaborate on the project in the first place, the bands, producers, DJs, poets, artists, film-makers and comedians, who all brought with them a level of joy and enthusiasm that perhaps topped even our own. You ARE Brainchild Festival, and you always will be.
Fuck, that got a bit wet didn’t? I’ll stop. The point I’m trying to make I guess is, ‘Brainchild felt different’. No adverts, no overpriced drinks, no bookings simply to pull in the punters, no backstage and certainly no VIP area. Without realising it, over the course of the weekend, we rather precociously created a village; even if it happened to be the most un-self sufficient village imaginable. We didn’t even have fucking showers. We should definitely get showers next year. Regardless of hygiene issues, by the end of the weekend I felt as if I knew everyone by face, and very few festivals can offer that.
The most exciting aspect of the weekend though, at least for me, was slightly more abstract. There seemed to be an umbrella covering us all that weekend, every last person at the festival brought with them a vibe, a way of thinking, an opinion or maybe just a bag full of drugs, but whatever they brought with them, we all felt it. When one person was down, we all felt it. When one person was high, we felt that too. Maybe it was because the site was small, or maybe it was because the capacity was only 500 people. Whatever the reason; I haven’t felt like that in a long time,and it felt really fucking good.

Brainchild Festival: A Word From CitR

A lot can happen in a week.
There was the London marathon, debates about governmental cuts and <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2133643/Why-loo-roll-getting-smaller-Sainsburys-cuts-size-attempt-reduce-environmental-impact.html">Sainsbury’s decision to cut down the size of loo roll.</a> But we’ve got even better (and exciting) news.
Since Crack in The Road’s <a title="Announcement: Crack in the Road X Brainchild Festival" href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/16056-announcement-crack-in-the-road-x-brainchild-festival/">announcement to collaborate with Brainchild Festival</a> last week, which has then seen many sleepless nights and a lot of favours from mates (thank you), we have added more bands to our growing line up.
Yes, there are a lot of festivals happening this summer. We know that. You know that. Heck, Bob Dylan and Suede are playing on the same weekend at Hop Farm. You might be thinking to yourself, ‘pretty fucking stupid to mention a better line up at a different festival on the same weekend’. Well it’s not.
In our opinion, here at Crack in The Road, every band we present to you below are worth more than them lot. Yes Bob Dylan and Suede are legends, but these talented musicians are pioneers in their own right. They are the past, the present and the future of music all rolled into one.
It’s for that reason; we’re straying away from the usual ‘festival blog’ approach of writing blurbs for each artist. We’re not lazy. We’d just rather the artists, and their music, speak for themselves.
They’re not scared to experiment, and aren’t controlled by money hungry management or labels. They’re talent, at it’s best, with the magical ability to manipulate and encourage your view of the world to flutter through their music. Fuck Metronomy, Jessie J and Kaiser Chiefs. We’d much rather it this way.
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/mypandashallfly?ref=ts">MY PANDA SHALL FLY</a>
‘MPSF was born out of a weekly book club that gathered downstairs in a church in West London. We would wear furry headgear, play instruments and dance around like idiots till the early morning.’
<iframe src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/21814893" frameborder="0" width="500" height="400"></iframe>
<a href="https://kultcountry.bandcamp.com/">KULT COUNTRY</a>
‘Dreams fluttered through my mind, your society was enslaved by nostalgic bribes, stigma, notions of popularity, looped in regurgitation, in need of love…but all you gave me was war.’
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/throwingup">THROWING UP</a>
“You never think about it you just do it. Iggy-punk-pop-rock? That’s kind of it. Sounds a bit poppy, there’s a bit of screaming. Girls on their periods.”
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/dogfeetmusic">DOGFEET</a>
<div data-jsid="message">“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”</div>
<div data-jsid="message"></div>
<iframe src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F35857634&show_artwork=true" frameborder="no" scrolling="no" width="100%" height="166"></iframe>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/jaccogardnermusic">JACCO GARDNER AND THE SKYWALKERS </a>
“Creates a unique sound by combining the sounds of Harpsichord, Strings, Flutes and other classical instruments with raw psychedelic effects.”
<iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/_yjlXKliYYA" frameborder="0" width="560" height="315"></iframe>
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/drivetheband">DRIVE</a>
“Sweet noise.”
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Brainchild Festival: My Panda Shall Fly, KULT COUNTRY, Jacco Gardner, Throwing Up, Dogfeet and Drive confirmed

<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/life/15532-kony-2012-propaganda-and-social-networking/attachment/img_2941-2/" rel="attachment wp-att-15534"><img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-15534" title="IMG_2941" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_29411-260x173.jpg" alt="" width="260" height="173" /></a>
It’s probably safe to assume that if you’ve found this article, you’re internet-savvy enough to have already been exposed to the Kony 2012 campaign. With well over 2 million views on YouTube and 5.2 million views on Vimeo, as well as countless shares around Twitter and Facebook, the campaign has certainly proven true its own claim about the power of social media in changing the world. And why shouldn’t it be successful? Millions of people around the world coming together to stop the crimes of an evil man and make the world a better place – that sounds pretty ideal. And call me cynical, but I think we can assume that to believe things are that simple is staggeringly naïve.
This morning, I came across <a href="https://visiblechildren.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">this</a> and <a href="https://innovateafrica.tumblr.com/post/18897981642/you-dont-have-my-vote" target="_blank">this</a> – Visible Children is a self-professed critique of Kony 2012 written by Grant Oyston, a student at Acadia University, Canada, whilst You Don’t Have My Vote is a fantastic article which exposes some major flaws with the campaign. They’re worth a read, certainly, and the issues they bring up are startling. It seems that there are a variety of problems with the campaign that transform it entirely from the shining beacon of light and progress in Uganda that it presents itself as, into an altogether more worrying and (dare I say it?) horrifying affair. From the seemingly harmless (such as the use of donations on ‘staff salaries, travel and transport’) to the more disturbing (such as the group’s support of the highly questionable Ugandan military, the revival of the ‘White Saviour’ and a radical desire for military intervention into the country), these writers really rather effectively pick apart the flaws in the Invisible Children group. However, I’ll leave it to you to make your mind up about the group’s ethics and message. What I found far more worrying, upon waking up this morning to a world gripped with Kony-fever, is the sheer power of propaganda on display.
Take a look at our featured image for this article – those men are the group’s leaders posing with weapons and members of the Sudan Liberation Army. There is no doubt that Invisible Children are radical to at least some extent. As I’ve expanded on above, it is also somewhat clear that whilst the group’s overall aim is honourable, their methods are questionable. But what they’ve done, with a half hour video, some posters and some Facebook/Twitter accounts, is create a façade that the entire world has blindly bought into. As I write, ‘#stopkony’, ‘Uganda’ and ‘Invisible Children’ are all worldwide trending topics on Twitter. The Invisible Children Facebook page’s wall is glittering with support and praise. Millions of people around the world are throwing their money at this organisation on the basis of one video. A single, half an hour video, put out by Invisible Children, telling people to donate to Invisible Children and spread the message about Invisible Children. And people are following, without question. How is this not utterly horrifying? No doubt, what we’re witnessing is a masterpiece of propaganda and the effects that bias can have on the general public. And why shouldn’t people buy into the video? It has everything you can relate to – the naïve child, the terrible villain, and the great hero. It’s so meticulously constructed to make us support the ‘good guys’, and play down any questions or worries we have with what the ‘heroes’ are doing.
So what can we do about this? Am I saying that we should all stop donating and go back to our lives? No. I’m saying that we should be using social media to its full extent. Networking has allowed this video to take the world by storm. It’s making people’s minds up for them. What we need to do is spread the truth – get these Tumblr pages spread as much as the Kony 2012 video, and level out the bias – tear down the saintly image that Invisible Children has created for itself, and show the world the truth. This campaign is, depending on your viewpoint, either a noble attempt to gain support and stop a major war criminal through justified and necessary means, or an ultimately pointless publicity campaign by a radical group trying to extract vengeance on one tiny part of a major problem. Only when people have both sides of the story, though, and recognise this conflict as being made up of by shades of grey and not good versus evil, will people be able to make an informed decision about whether they want to support this group. At the moment, though, for a world that is being increasingly driven by the exchange of information, most people seem to be remarkably ill-informed.
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KONY 2012: Propaganda and Social Networking

After writing the first <a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13083-sound-of-2012-part-i-josh/" target="_blank">Sound of 2012</a> article, I not only realised that I’d missed out so many incredibly exciting upcoming acts, but also that it wasn’t quite as sonically diverse as I’d originally envisioned. With Part I focusing quite heavily quite on lo-fi orientated songwriters and solo musicians, Joel took about compiling <a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/13260-sound-of-2012-part-2-%E2%80%93-joel/" target="_blank">his own list</a> of acts who may well find commercial success in 2012. Now, the balls back in my court, to bring you a list of slightly more obscure artists, whom I believe will flourish in the coming twelve months.
Ouisa Hound
Having only <a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13120-introducing-ouisa-hound/" target="_blank">introduced</a> Ouisa Hound a few days ago, I’ve had his two debut tracks pretty much been on repeat. With the intimately atmospheric feel he creates proving particularly powerful, I was also intrigued by the eloquent way that Ouisa Hound went about describing his own music – ‘Of this music, it is perhaps enough to say this and no more: it was born of a brain pregnant with good and sober sadness.’ If that’s not enough to entice you to check out his two debut tracks Gloom Roaming and Well Overtaken, then I may as well give up now.
<object width="100%" height="81" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="https://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="src" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F30549493" /><embed width="100%" height="81" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F30549493" allowscriptaccess="always" /></object> <a href="https://soundcloud.com/ouisa-hound/gloom-roaming">Gloom Roaming</a> by <a href="https://soundcloud.com/ouisa-hound">Ouisa Hound</a>
REID
Another artist with only a handful of tracks under his belt, young Irish beatmaker REID conjures up majestically elegant ambient soundscapes. With the Four Tet influence fairly plain to hear, it’s refreshing that REID relies less on sampled vocals and instead specializes in drawing the listener in to his own visualised world. Having released a double A side through <a href="https://www.weareblahblahblah.com/">Blah Blah Blah Records</a> earlier this year, the next few months are looking especially bright for REID.
<object width="100%" height="81" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="https://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="src" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F26433289" /><embed width="100%" height="81" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F26433289" allowscriptaccess="always" /></object> <a href="https://soundcloud.com/reid/genesis">Genesis</a> by <a href="https://soundcloud.com/reid">REID</a>
Sam Cleeve
Seemingly appearing from nowhere, Reading producer Sam Cleeve fashioned one of the most emotionally fraught instrumental records of 2011. With a sombre, majestic piano forming the backbone to many of his tracks, the layers gradually build and spiral into a beautiful cacophony of sound, opening the listener up to Cleeve’s wondrously expansive soundscapes.
<object width="100%" height="81" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="https://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="src" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F23791448" /><embed width="100%" height="81" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F23791448" allowscriptaccess="always" /></object> <a href="https://soundcloud.com/samcleeve/metropolis">Metropolis</a> by <a href="https://soundcloud.com/samcleeve">Sam Cleeve</a>
Noble Oak
Another artist whose electro-ambient inspired release No Bloke registered amongst my top EP’s of 2011. With his immaculate production values and confidently spacious atmospheres, this Canadian producer is clearly a perfectionist with his tracks, chiseling each and every one to his exact vision. All that said, it’s the untouchable simplicity that allows Noble Oak to excel; this is music to fall in love to and nobody can deny you that.
<object width="100%" height="81" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="https://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="src" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F28058913" /><embed width="100%" height="81" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F28058913" allowscriptaccess="always" /></object> <a href="https://soundcloud.com/nobleoak/01-perfect-triple-backflip">Perfect Triple Backflip</a> by <a href="https://soundcloud.com/nobleoak">Noble Oak</a>
Rochelle Jordan
Out of all the acts I’ve mentioned across both my Sound of 2012 lists, Rochelle Jordan is probably the most likely to see mainstream success in the next twelve months. With a host of relatively high profile magazine shoots and interviews underway, you can guarantee that people WILL be talking about her. Her sassy, sensual attitude and slick R’n’B vibes make her lightly comparable to The Weeknd and Frank Ocean, but with a slightly more raw edge that’s undeniably appealing. Check out her debut album <a href="https://rojoproto.bandcamp.com/album/r-o-j-o" target="_blank">R O J O</a>, as well as recent singles Here I Go and _Shot.
<iframe style="position: relative; display: block; width: 400px; height: 100px;" src="https://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer/v=2/track=1492655602/size=venti/bgcol=FFFFFF/linkcol=4285BB/" frameborder="0" width="400" height="100"></iframe>
Hollow Pigeons
This kid is 15. Yes, you read that right. Fifteen. Even if Hollow Pigeons only succeeds in one area, it’ll be making you feel old. His chillwave inspired tracks showcase a maturity far beyond his modest years, and his Birthdays EP deservedly gained him a fair amount of recognition earlier in the year. Mixing a remarkable knowledge of production with elegant samples, 2012 may be slightly too early to be touting this teenager as a star, but given the strength of his releases so far, who knows where his music will take him.
<iframe style="position: relative; display: block; width: 400px; height: 100px;" src="https://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer/v=2/track=2411728750/size=venti/bgcol=FFFFFF/linkcol=4285BB/" frameborder="0" width="400" height="100"></iframe>
MONEY
The least Google-friendly band name of the year goes to Manchester’s MONEY. Having previously gone under the similarly obtuse names Books and Youth, their shows in their home town are kicking up rave reviews. Managed by Max Moran (Egyptian Hip Hop, Vondelpark), their music is a gorgeous Arcade Fire meets WU LYF car crash, featuring sombre pianos and strained vocals, alongside gritty images and footage from World War 1 documentaries. Pretentious? Slightly. Awesome? You bet.
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Polar Dear
In Even If I’m Late, electro-pop duo Polar Dear released one of the indie dance anthems of the year. Part Bloc Party, part Justice, it’s irresistible and deserves far more coverage than it’s experienced so far. Alongside the track, the duo made a stunning video, encapsulating the vivid energy of their music (and also featuring a couple of rather attractive young women). Their follow up release Thanatos took their sound in a slightly different direction, whilst maintaining their dominant dance inspirations.
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<a href="https://vimeo.com/28206406">Polar Dear – Even If I’m Late</a> from <a href="https://vimeo.com/user8005920">Polar Dear</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.
League
A two piece from one of the slickest cities in the world, who create Beach Boys inspired surf pop; LA’s League pretty much epitomize ‘cool’. Whether it’s the 80’s Cure vibe of Your World or the sugary sweet How Do I Know, these kids do it better than anyone else around. Take a handful of your dreams, a packet of marshmallows and a star-eyed, beauteous girl, and you’d still only be halfway to imagining the sound that League create. In short, League are awesome, and your girlfriend will love them.
<iframe style="position: relative; display: block; width: 400px; height: 100px;" src="https://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer/v=2/album=3772462799/size=venti/bgcol=FFFFFF/linkcol=4285BB/" frameborder="0" width="400" height="100"></iframe>
 NO
Having wowed the blogosphere with their euphoric Stay With Me earlier on in the year, then dropping their nigh-on flawless debut EP Don’t Worry, You’ll Be Here Forever, Echo Park’s NO have had a pretty sensational end to 2011. With a full-length record in the works, and the five piece extremely excited to hit the road, 2012 is set to be a fantastic year for the group. Combining the intimate lyricism of The National with their very own, unique touch, NO write anthems of the highest quality, destined to be played to packed venues.
<object width="100%" height="81" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="https://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always" /><param name="src" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F27536075&" /><embed width="100%" height="81" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F27536075&" allowscriptaccess="always" /></object><a href="https://soundcloud.com/nomusicforme/01-another-life">Another Life</a> by <a href="https://soundcloud.com/nomusicforme">NO.</a>

Sound of 2012 (Part 3 – Josh)

Here we are, the grand finale, the one you’ve all been waiting for, the Pièce de résistance… alright, you get the gist. We’ve been through lame, perverted gingers (#7), overzealous, past-it rockers (#8) and even the worst app since the one that imitated the iPhone user drinking a beer (#15). So, before someone sues us for slander against a certain Mr Sheeran, here’s #5-1 in Crack in the Road’s Tool List 2011.
#5) Myspace
<a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/13221-the-tool-list-2011-5-1/attachment/myspace/" rel="attachment wp-att-13240"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13240" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Myspace" src="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2011/12/myspace.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="423" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/myspace.jpg 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/myspace-300x253.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
I’m surprised the URL myspace.com isn’t up for sale on one of those dodgy domain flogging sites, or better yet, been bought by Lana Del Rey’s dad. To the best of my knowledge, Myspace has remained almost exactly the same since Rupert Murdoch bought the company back in 2005, with a handful of lose change he had on his bedside table ($580mil). Therefore, it was no surprise when Murdoch took a $550million pound hit to offload the company to Specific Media LLC in June this year. What frustrates me the most about Myspace however, is that there are still bands who choose to use it, in-spite of far superior alternatives. The layout is clunky, it’s choc a-block with adverts, and they never really did find a viable solution for downloading straight from the music widget. With the growth of Soundcloud and Bandcamp, as well as the simplicity of building and hosting music on your own website, surely it’s only a matter of time before Myspace ceases to exist, but until then, please, please, PLEASE refrain from burdening yourself with it. Also, you can now sign in to Myspace through your Facebook account… wouldn’t that be like buying a full bottle of Coca Coca then trading it in for half a bottle of Pepsi?
4) Hashtags and Top Trends
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13221-the-tool-list-2011-5-1/attachment/twitter-hashtag-cartoon/" rel="attachment wp-att-13241"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13241" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Hashtags" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/twitter-hashtag-cartoon.jpg" alt="" width="480" height="343" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/twitter-hashtag-cartoon.jpg 480w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/twitter-hashtag-cartoon-300x214.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px" /></a>
In a year when Twitter has grown beyond anyone’s predictions, unfortunately, so has the use of annoying hash tags and frustratingly immature trends. Whether it’s #HarryShowUsYourBalls or #BieberShitOnMyStomach, there should be a rule wherein anyone tweeting about One Direction, Justin Bieber, JLS, Cher Lloyd or Lady Gaga automatically has their account suspend and their fingers chopped off. However, that would potentially then lead to numerous tweets along the lines of ‘domne diresdfvtiosn fkorfdever’ as millions of 14 year old girls try to type with their toes. On second thoughts, that’s still better. #smh
3) Spotify & Facebook Collaboration
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13221-the-tool-list-2011-5-1/attachment/facebook-spotify-technorotic/" rel="attachment wp-att-13242"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13242" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Spotify & Facebook" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/facebook-spotify-technorotic.jpg" alt="" width="478" height="436" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/facebook-spotify-technorotic.jpg 478w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/facebook-spotify-technorotic-300x273.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 478px) 100vw, 478px" /></a>
I don’t care which of my Facebook friends are being aurally molested by One Direction and which are developing tinnitus due to the vocal chords of Rihanna. It’s a shame, as with more thoughtful initiatives there could be a useful program there, i.e. one that locks in to your recent likes and recent plays and recommends new music based on both parameters, when in truth, all it does is remind me who I need to delete from my friends list.
2) Redacted for legal reasons. 

1) The guy from Oasis and the other guy from Oasis
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13221-the-tool-list-2011-5-1/attachment/oasis-2d9o_o_tn/" rel="attachment wp-att-13244"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13244" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Oasis" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/oasis-2D9O_o_tn.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="360" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/oasis-2D9O_o_tn.jpg 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/oasis-2D9O_o_tn-260x187.jpg 260w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/oasis-2D9O_o_tn-165x118.jpg 165w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
At best, Oasis have two albums worth of good material, none of which was written within in the last ten years. So it only stands to reason then that when the two founders go their separate ways, that their debut solo attempts will be two of the best albums of all time, right? No. These projects both appear to be filling in time (and the Gallagher’s pockets) until some sorry fucker fronts the six figure sum for an Oasis reunion tour. In a year when The Stone Roses reformation made the front pages, it was always going to take something special to ‘out-bland’ that, but boy did Liam and Noel push the boat out.
So, that’s it folks, here’s a full run down of the Tool List 2011:
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/" target="_blank">Part I</a>
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/" target="_blank">Part II</a>
25) Loutallica
24) Lana Del Rey
23) Radiohead
22) Joey Barton
21) The Triangle (∆)
20) Tulisa’s Birthmark & Tattoo
19) Charlie Sheen
18) The Stone Roses
17) Viva Brother
16) Witchouse
15) Hipstamatic
14) People who think Inception is the greatest film ever
13) News International
12) The Inbetweeners
11) One Direction Fans
10) Top 50 Lists
9) Tyler, The Creator
8 ) Morrissey
7) Ed Sheeran
6) The Vaccines
5) Myspace
4) Hashtags and Top Trends
3) Spotify & Facebook Collaboration
2) NME
1) The guy from Oasis and the other guy from Oasis

The Tool List 2011 (5-1)

So, now we’ve all agreed that the Stone Roses are the biggest money grabbing schmucks since The Smurfs, and that anyone who likes The King of Limbs may also enjoy repeatedly banging their head off a concrete wall whilst chewing on the remnants of a glass coffee table, let us continue with CitR’s very own, not to be taken too seriously, Tool List 2011. (<a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/" target="_blank">See part I – 25-16</a>)
15) Hipstamatic
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/tumblr_lvsa9k1yco1qkirgko1_500/" rel="attachment wp-att-13203"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13203" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Hipstamatic" src="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2011/12/tumblr_lvsa9k1yCO1qkirgko1_500.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="500" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_lvsa9k1yCO1qkirgko1_500.jpg 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_lvsa9k1yCO1qkirgko1_500-150x150.jpg 150w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_lvsa9k1yCO1qkirgko1_500-300x300.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
What’s cooler than a photograph of your feet alongside the tweet #newshoes? A photograph taken with Hipstamatic of course! You could always take it one step further and purchase one of those really expensive, tacky cameras from a highstreet clothes shop. The cool is endless.
14) People who think Inception is the greatest film ever
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/in-your-dreams-e1280240379259/" rel="attachment wp-att-13204"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13204" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Inception" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/in-your-dreams-e1280240379259.jpeg" alt="" width="550" height="913" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/in-your-dreams-e1280240379259.jpeg 550w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/in-your-dreams-e1280240379259-180x300.jpeg 180w" sizes="(max-width: 550px) 100vw, 550px" /></a>
Don’t get me wrong, Inception is a good film, but by no means is it the ‘greatest film of all time’. Hell, it’s not even Di Caprio’s best film from 2010 (see Shutter Island). I’ve grown sick to death of reading film reviews from this year, that state, ‘it’s an enjoyable film, but by no means as good as last years masterpiece Inception’. Urgh.
13) News International
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/rebekah-brooks-chief-executive-of-news-international-and-rupert-murdoch-news-corp-chief-executive-attend-the-cheltenham-festival-in-march-2010-pic-reu-73243084/" rel="attachment wp-att-13205"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13205" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="rebekah-brooks-chief-executive-of-news-international-and-rupert-murdoch-news-corp-chief-executive-attend-the-cheltenham-festival-in-march-2010-pic-reu-73243084" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/rebekah-brooks-chief-executive-of-news-international-and-rupert-murdoch-news-corp-chief-executive-attend-the-cheltenham-festival-in-march-2010-pic-reu-73243084.jpg" alt="" width="488" height="317" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/rebekah-brooks-chief-executive-of-news-international-and-rupert-murdoch-news-corp-chief-executive-attend-the-cheltenham-festival-in-march-2010-pic-reu-73243084.jpg 610w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/rebekah-brooks-chief-executive-of-news-international-and-rupert-murdoch-news-corp-chief-executive-attend-the-cheltenham-festival-in-march-2010-pic-reu-73243084-300x194.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 488px) 100vw, 488px" /></a>
If anyone was unsure as to the future of printed newspapers, News International have sealed the demise of that section of the media. 2011 has been a year to forget to Murdoch & Co, with the phone hacking allegations dominating the front pages, alongside the emergence of Murdoch’s controversial relationship with Brooks, it’s only a matter of time before he decides to leave News International behind. Amongst the scandal, those who do have my sympathy are the innocents either caught up in the phone hacking, or the those who have been made scapegoats and lost their jobs due to decisions made by their seniors. Oh, and I don’t feel sorry for Hugh Grant, the sleazy scumbag.
12) The Inbetweeners
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/theinbetweeners/" rel="attachment wp-att-13206"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13206" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="theinbetweeners" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/theinbetweeners.jpg" alt="" width="472" height="334" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/theinbetweeners.jpg 472w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/theinbetweeners-300x212.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 472px) 100vw, 472px" /></a>
‘Film of the Year’ ‘Gag for gag, the funniest film of the year’ Everytime I get the train into work, glaring adverts for The Inbetweeners DVD remind me just how stupid, easily swayed and immature a fairly sizable proportion of the British public are. How anyone found the TV show funny is completely beyond me; aside from encouraging the use of ‘your mum’ jokes, the acting was unfathomably half-arsed and uninspired. So, it goes without saying, that I’ve lost a huge amount of respect for anyone who went to go and see the film. The only time 25+ year old actors playing kids worked, was in The OC. End of.
11) One Direction Fans
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/1-direction-out-about-doing-the-beatles-famous-walk-x-one-direction-17140825-500-293/" rel="attachment wp-att-13207"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13207" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="One Direction" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/1-Direction-Out-About-Doing-The-Beatles-Famous-Walk-x-one-direction-17140825-500-293.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="293" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/1-Direction-Out-About-Doing-The-Beatles-Famous-Walk-x-one-direction-17140825-500-293.jpg 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/1-Direction-Out-About-Doing-The-Beatles-Famous-Walk-x-one-direction-17140825-500-293-300x175.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
I think these five posh talentless twats have two songs, yet they have thousands of gullible thirteen year old female fans. Not only that, but their abuse of Caroline Flack for simply shacking up with one of their ‘loves’ was nothing short of disgusting. Instead of lambasting the fans for the next few sentences, I’ll let some of the idiotic tweets speak for themselves.
‘In a year One Direction did the X Factor, came 3rd, recorded an album, became number one, sold out their tour in 14 minutes…’ (@NiallFrance)
‘How to get into One Direction’s tour without a ticket. Number 1: dress up as an old lady and claim you’re Harry’s girlfriend.’ (@TeamDirection)
‘Writing “One Direction” in books on walls on your arms on your friends on name tags on the table all over your pencilcase <s>#</s>YouraDirectioner’ (@1DsOneThing)
I give up.
10) Top 50 Lists
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/shes-really-cool-azealia-007/" rel="attachment wp-att-13208"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13208" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="A. Banks" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/Shes-really-cool-Azealia-007.jpg" alt="" width="460" height="276" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/Shes-really-cool-Azealia-007.jpg 460w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/Shes-really-cool-Azealia-007-300x180.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 460px) 100vw, 460px" /></a>
Who cares enough to make a top 50 list? Not only that, but so many publications seem to decide they suddenly like something when it appears in a shit load of other lists first (see Peaking Lights), after having given it zero coverage during the year. They’re almost as cringeworthy as ‘Sound of 2012’ lists, that just appear to be a reach-around for forceful PR companies. It was awfully nice of NME to name Azealia Banks the ‘coolest’ musician in the industry at the moment, despite NEVER having mentioned her ever before. Hm.
9) Tyler The Creator
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/images/" rel="attachment wp-att-13209"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13209" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Tyler The Creato" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/images.jpg" alt="" width="318" height="159" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/images.jpg 318w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/images-300x150.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 318px) 100vw, 318px" /></a>
Leader of the most offensive rap outfit since Wu Tang, Tyler lacks one aspect that RZA has in abundance. Talent. Having always promoted himself as entirely independent, Tyler signed to XL to release his hugely disappointing second album GOBLIN. Since then he’s tried to stir up controversy in every manner possible, be it assaulting photographers (so 2010), shooting ‘controversial’ videos (so 2005) and hating on B.O.B. (fair enough). Also, having been extremely excited to see OFWGKTA at T in the Park, the collective decided their time would be better spent pelting the crowd with water bottles, before storming off stage after only playing for 15minutes. Disappointing.
8 ) Morrissey
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/morrissey02/" rel="attachment wp-att-13210"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13210" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Morrissey" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/morrissey02.jpg" alt="" width="435" height="284" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/morrissey02.jpg 435w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/morrissey02-300x195.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 435px) 100vw, 435px" /></a>
SELLOUT. YOU MEAT-EATING, JOHN LEWIS-LOVING, RACIST PIG. But seriously, everyone’s pretty bored of this aging quiffed faux-rocker now. His live shows seem predominantly filled with his rather half-hearted solo material, and his controversial opinions… well…to tell the truth… aren’t that controversial anymore. Come on Moz, just reform The Smiths.
7) Ed Sheeran
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/ed-sheeran-in-a-cafe-007/" rel="attachment wp-att-13211"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13211" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Ed-Sheeran-in-a-cafe-007" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/Ed-Sheeran-in-a-cafe-007.jpg" alt="" width="460" height="276" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/Ed-Sheeran-in-a-cafe-007.jpg 460w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/Ed-Sheeran-in-a-cafe-007-300x180.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 460px) 100vw, 460px" /></a>
Being a ginger male has never been cool. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, probably to make themselves feel better about the time they got really wasted and made-out with a ginger flatmate. Ed Sheeran wrote a song about the guy from the Snickers advert and then another one about enticing young boys into his lair made of Duplo. His album title is also a reference to his HIV test results. Those are the facts.
6) The Vaccines
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13201-the-tool-list-2011-15-6/attachment/the-vaccines-the-cornerh-007/" rel="attachment wp-att-13212"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13212" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="The-Vaccines" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/The-Vaccines-The-Cornerh-007.jpg" alt="" width="460" height="276" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/The-Vaccines-The-Cornerh-007.jpg 460w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/The-Vaccines-The-Cornerh-007-300x180.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 460px) 100vw, 460px" /></a>
A year ago I didn’t predict that I’d hold The Vaccines in such low regard. Their debut tracks were nothing out of the ordinary, aside from being numbingly unoffensive and about as exciting as a new pair of boxer shorts; they weren’t criminally bad. So at least they made up for that on their glaringly grating first record What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? an uninspiring collection of Ramones and Strokes covers, with a pinch of ‘hey-Zane-Lowe-play-our-music’ spice added in for good effect. As if that wasn’t bad enough, their non-stop touring made it nigh on impossible to leave your bedroom for fear of them performing in your local vicinity for the thirty ninth time this year.
#5 – 1 On Monday.

The Tool List 2011 (15-6)

Everyone knows who has been ‘cool’ this year. From Ellery Roberts to Nicola Roberts, NME managed to define their sensationalist and schizophrenic journalism with one poorly conceived list, supposedly charting which musicians have increased their bro statuses this year. So, with that in mind, CitR decided to look at things from the opposite angle of ‘what has majorly sucked in 2011?’. Well, with tongues very firmly in our cheeks, here’s our short rundown, naming and shaming the largest Tools of 2011.
25) Loutallica
<a href="https://api.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/26lou-reed-metallica-960-jpg-crop_display/" rel="attachment wp-att-13161"><img class="size-full wp-image-13161" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Loutallica" src="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2011/12/26LOU-REED-METALLICA-960.jpg.crop_display.jpg" alt="" width="572" height="422" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/26LOU-REED-METALLICA-960.jpg.crop_display.jpg 572w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/26LOU-REED-METALLICA-960.jpg.crop_display-300x221.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 572px) 100vw, 572px" /></a>
In a year of bad collaborations (Rihanna & Calvin Harris, David Guetta & anyone with a pulse), Lou Reed and Metallica out did them all. Their joint album Lulu bombed sales wise, and was slated across the board, purely for the fact that it’s shit. At what point the two artists thought it would be a wise decision to smear their musical legacies with this steaming turd, I have no idea.
24) Lana Del Rey
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/lana-del-rey-flowers_jpg_630x420_q85_jpg_630x420_q85/" rel="attachment wp-att-13174"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13174" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Lana Del Rey" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/lana-del-rey-flowers_jpg_630x420_q85_jpg_630x420_q85.jpg" alt="" width="630" height="420" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/lana-del-rey-flowers_jpg_630x420_q85_jpg_630x420_q85.jpg 630w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/lana-del-rey-flowers_jpg_630x420_q85_jpg_630x420_q85-300x200.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 630px) 100vw, 630px" /></a>
Never has a musician gone from being so widely adored to so fervently detested in such a short period of time. Having set the blogosphere alight with the charming Video Games, it only took a few articles questioning her artistic integrity and infamous botox filled lips for Elizabeth Grant to become public enemy number one. After a host of appearances on high profile TV shows, it became apparent that Grant was far from the homemade popstar that she was being portrayed as. With a controversial <a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/13128-video-lana-del-rey-born-to-die/" target="_blank">new video</a>, and her debut album Born To Die set for a February release, it remains to be seen whether Lana Del Rey is a truly talented singer/songwriter, or merely another clever marketing ploy.
23) Radiohead
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/radiohead/" rel="attachment wp-att-13177"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13177" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Radiohead" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/radiohead.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="391" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/radiohead.jpg 600w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/radiohead-300x195.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px" /></a>
a) The King of Limbs was pretty disappointing; anyone who tells you otherwise probably also tells you that OK Computer is the best Radiohead album.
b) Their ‘surprise’ Glastonbury performance relied heavily upon TKOL, therefore the only person who enjoyed it was Thom Yorke.
c) For a band who love music, they play very few live shows. Especially in the UK; where, incase they had forgotten, THEY ARE FROM.
22) Joey Barton
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/tumblr_lmw4utwf301qhj03po1_500/" rel="attachment wp-att-13180"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13180" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Joey Barton" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_lmw4utWF301qhj03po1_500.png" alt="" width="500" height="375" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_lmw4utWF301qhj03po1_500.png 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_lmw4utWF301qhj03po1_500-300x225.png 300w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
Proving his intellect by spelling 50% of words wrong and misquoting legendary authors and poets. You get the feeling that Barton is probably the sort of guy who likes The Vaccines, and when asked about his music tastes says ‘Oh you probably haven’t heard of them.” In short, he’s either mentally retarded or the interwebz finest troll. Have I gone over 140 characters yet?
21) The Triangle (∆)
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/alt-j-_-playlist-_-stock-71/" rel="attachment wp-att-13181"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13181" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="∆" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/alt-j-_-playlist-_-stock-71.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="537" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/alt-j-_-playlist-_-stock-71.jpg 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/alt-j-_-playlist-_-stock-71-279x300.jpg 279w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
“So I came up with a cool band name”
“Yeah, hit me.”
“Ventolin”
“Hmm, it’s not bad, it could do with a few ∆’s in there, how about ∆ento∆l∆n?’
“Oh yeah dude, that’s so much better! Thanks!”
NO. Just NO.
20) Tulisa’s Birthmark & Tattoo
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/0_285_427_http_offlinehbpl-hbpl-co-uk_news_owm_c6fddd32-c08c-3f6f-71b9253fccb37cad/" rel="attachment wp-att-13182"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13182" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Tulisa" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/0_285_427_http_offlinehbpl.hbpl_.co_.uk_news_OWM_C6FDDD32-C08C-3F6F-71B9253FCCB37CAD.jpg" alt="" width="427" height="285" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/0_285_427_http_offlinehbpl.hbpl_.co_.uk_news_OWM_C6FDDD32-C08C-3F6F-71B9253FCCB37CAD.jpg 427w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/0_285_427_http_offlinehbpl.hbpl_.co_.uk_news_OWM_C6FDDD32-C08C-3F6F-71B9253FCCB37CAD-300x200.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 427px) 100vw, 427px" /></a>
ARGGGHH. I’m all for natural beauty and whatever, but I’m sure everyone who has watched X-Factor will agree that Tulia’s birthmark gets rather frustrating. Also, her one arm gesture and blatant advertising for her perfume line is pretty pathetic. The sooner she leaves X-Factor, the better.
19) Charlie Sheen
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/chrysalis-5th-annual-butterfly-ball/" rel="attachment wp-att-13183"><img class="alignnone size-archives wp-image-13183" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Charlie Sheen" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/charlie-sheen-350x262.jpg" alt="" width="350" height="262" /></a>
Nothing Charlie Sheen has ever done is funny. Therefore it figures that him ‘going off the rails’, inventing annoying slogans and selling t-shirts with the phrase ‘WINNING’ plastered on it to idiotic students, is also not funny. Although you’ve got to hand it to him it’s a genius marketing concept.
18) The Stone Roses
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/article-0-0e6d876600000578-322_468x391/" rel="attachment wp-att-13184"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13184" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="The Stone Roses" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/article-0-0E6D876600000578-322_468x391.jpg" alt="" width="468" height="391" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/article-0-0E6D876600000578-322_468x391.jpg 468w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/article-0-0E6D876600000578-322_468x391-300x250.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 468px) 100vw, 468px" /></a>
£8million. That’s how much The Stone Roses will make from their three comeback shows in Manchester next year. The band who would ‘never re-unite’ finally realised that none of them were ever that talented, and the only way they could make a living from music would be by pedaling their dull as dishwater tracks to a bunch of overly reminiscing 90’s lad-rock fans. I genuinely think I have more respect for Viva Brother, speaking of which…
17) Viva Brother
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/brother/" rel="attachment wp-att-13185"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13185" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Viva Brother" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/BrotherVF290611.jpg" alt="" width="552" height="368" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/BrotherVF290611.jpg 552w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/BrotherVF290611-300x200.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 552px) 100vw, 552px" /></a>
After a chance meeting at a festival earlier in the year, I actually ended up feeling rather sorry for Oasis V2.0. The scripted swagger with which they lurched clumsily into the room and their dull, uninspired fashion sense, made it seem like some bigshot marketing guru was playing a hilarious joke, at the expense of the band. When their debut album finally arrived after many months of absolutely no hype or expectations whatsoever, it did exactly as predicted. Flopped. Cock-rock’s most embarrassing figureheads have had a disastrous 2011. From making tits of themselves at every festival they’ve played, to having to change their name after a lawsuit by a little known Australian Celtic act, nothing has gone their way. To top it all off, their debut album Famous First Words, proved to be not so famous, and most likely, their last words. Given their previous incarnations, expect to see Viva Brother disbanding and forming a chillwave group in 2012.
16) Witchouse
<a href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/12906-tools-of-2011-25-16/attachment/tumblr_l7cv6ey1jd1qbecjso1_500/" rel="attachment wp-att-13186"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-13186" style="margin-left: 50px; margin-right: 50px;" title="Witchhouse" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_l7cv6ey1JD1qbecjso1_500.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="431" srcset="https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_l7cv6ey1JD1qbecjso1_500.jpg 500w, https://api.crackintheroad.com/images/2011/12/tumblr_l7cv6ey1JD1qbecjso1_500-300x258.jpg 300w" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" /></a>
Witchouse (Witch Haus) proved rather innovative in 2010, but hasn’t seen anywhere the same level of success this year. As many of the acts who initially broke the genre have released their debut albums, few have been able to grasp any real level of authenticity or quality within their music. Instead, 2011 will be remembered for being the year that many lo-fi projects left the lonely confines of their bedrooms and took to the stages and touring circuits.
15 – 6 Coming on Monday!

The Tool List 2011 (25-16)

On July 29th, Jack Cooper, who’s most likely to be found playing guitar and singing with joyous fuzz-pop four piece <a title="Mazes Site" href="https://mazesmazesmazes.com/">Mazes</a>, made a post on the band’s website, which read as follows:
‘Art is cheap… people make millions and trillions of pounds out of a brain cell firing successfully. it’s crazy. I’ll write you a song for £10… send me a song title and your email address and I’ll be in touch… a song title or anything, guitar part, drum beat…whatever. I’m feeling inspired. This project will last a week, so be quick
mazesmazesmazes@gmail.com
Jack Mazes x’
On the 22nd of August, Jack posted the first home-recorded song up on the project’s <a title="Art Is Cheap" href="https://artischeap.tumblr.com/page/2">Tumblr</a>, a capriciously upbeat elegy entitled When Sleater-Kinney Died, commissioned by blogger <a title="Bank Robber Music" href="https://bankrobbermusic.com/blog/2011/08/mo-money-mo-bloglems-an-lb-joint">Lauren Bernal</a>. Two more tracks followed that day, and four the next.
Usually I’m a fairly staunch detractor of the lo-fi aesthetic that’s been enjoying a revival for the last little while. In my bloody-minded way, this attitude is partially a reaction to the movement’s popularity – many bands whom I consider to really have very little talent for songwriting or musicianship are suddenly jumping on the bandwagon in droves (both a blessing and a curse of the movement is that it’s practically doable by anyone, regardless of talent or finance) and being lauded by critics for what can be taken as essentially lazy, half-arsed attempts at what I believe should be a considered and moving art form. Art becomes ‘cheap’ in the sense that it becomes an infinitely reproducible commodity, losing its aura along the way, as Walter Benjamin might have it.
I appreciate that in an age of postmodernity (if you subscribe to that school of thought), nothing can be original and we need to find ever different ways of helping music to evolve, and that placing the power of music in the hands of practically anyone can be an exciting prospect for musical evolution. And certainly, homespun recording techniques can create an intimacy and atmosphere that’s lost when you’re playing in solitude behind a glass window, and into a massive desk. I ‘get’ lo-fi on a conceptual level, if not always on a sonic one. But I’m similarly fairly confident that these thoughts don’t enter the heads of many of the artists embracing the techniques that mark out the lo-fi ‘scene’. Of course, Jack’s ear for pop hooks and his laconic, tuneful drawl lend themselves perfectly to the hiss and hum of home recording, making it relatively easy to take pleasure in Art Is Cheap‘s crackly, my-first-tape-deck cuts. But quite simply, if the record collection I’ve amassed over the years is anything to go by, I seem to prefer studio-produced recordings – ones with character, certainly, but nevertheless ones where instruments sound full and vocals clear.
However, Art Is Cheap has certainly had me revising my views on the lo-fi aesthetic, if not wholeheartedly embracing it. I’ve had to stop myself believing (imagining, perhaps) that there’s a whole bunch of bands and critics out there who are embracing lo-fi because it’s receiving a lot of attention, and start discovering the issues at the roots of the movement. The project’s forced me to think about what I’d want – or be able – to play, rather than what I’d want to hear. It’s an intoxicating thought, taking music from the listener and delivering it entirely into the hands of the artist. In removing music from the shackles of funding and major labels, art becomes ‘cheap’ in a positive sense – it doesn’t need money to be created.
In any case, last Thursday I sent poor Jack a hideously wordy email that purported to be an interview, but was mostly just a vehicle for me to expound my own half-baked theories on the issues that he’d introduced with Art Is Cheap, strewn about with a few questions here and there. Being the lovely fella that he is, he got back to me with what seemed a genuine interest and hunger for discussion, and over the course of a few days, we came up with what you see below…
CitR: You mention a number of ideas on the project’s Tumblr that started you thinking about ‘Art is Cheap’. Was there an actual time or event that you can pinpoint which led to the project actually happening, or was it literally just the amalgamation of those various ideas over time?
JC: Well originally my idea stemmed from what I personally enjoy the most from music, which is the initial spark of creativity that leads to a melody. That’s what gives me the biggest thrill. I tend to write songs on the move. I’ll just start humming a melody, singing it maybe and then I’ll elaborate on it in my head. To an extent it’s all downhill from there. Figuring out lyrics, working it out on guitar and then eventually recording it are all satisfying but it’s the acorn of an idea I enjoy the most. It’s crazy to think that the greatest pieces of music begin like this…the majority probably never get beyond this point, but then they get recorded, packaged and promoted, and they then have the capacity to earn millions and millions of pounds. I liked the idea that I could write something very quickly…the idea being suggested by someone else and then maybe the ‘commissioner’ and myself could be the only ones to hear it ever. My two ideal scenarios would be to write something for someone, we both listen to it once and then we both delete it. The other would be for a massively established act to ask for a song, record it and for me to lose all control.
CitR: There were a couple of points in the introduction that got me thinking as well. Firstly, you mention Steve Keene, who once said of his art,
‘I want buying my paintings to be like buying a CD: it’s cheap, it’s art and it changes your life, but the object has no status. Musicians create something for the moment, something with no boundaries and that kind of expansiveness is what I want to come across in my work.’
How do you interpret this? Are you a fan of Keene’s work and ideas? You’re a musician. How do you respond to the idea that you create something purely ‘for the moment’? It seems like kind of a reductive statement, pretty much at odds with the ‘expansiveness’ Keene mentions. His ideas are certainly a wonderful antidote to music/art snobbery, but I think there’s some kind of middle ground between that and not giving a fuck about music at all…
JC: Steve Keene isn’t the only person doing this but that quote in particular was an inspiration. Unfortunately I’m not as well known as him, so I maybe have two requests a day but I like to think if I had ten, I’d be able to push myself into writing ten songs. This interview is really the first time I’ve sat down and actually thought about why I’m doing this and when I’ve explained it to people in the past and I suppose in the answers I give now, a lot of my motives conflict. But yeah I get what you mean about the ‘expansiveness’ thing… it’s slightly contradictory, but that’s life. We’re all hypocrites.
CitR: Could you go into your statement about ‘Yesterday’ a little more? I’m not trying to court controversy at all, but is there anything you find inherently ridiculous about the song itself, or is it just the fact that it made so much money out of so little effort?
JC: Not at all. I love that song and love The Beatles. I can completely understand why someone wouldn’t like that song though; it’s schmaltzy maybe, definitely overplayed… I get why people don’t like Paul McCartney. My point was that he famously ‘dreamt’ that song and then on getting out of bed, he figured it out on the piano. It probably took him fifteen minutes, disregarding writing the lyrics and arranging it, which to be honest are pretty irrelevant. The song isn’t popular because of the lyrics or the strings etc…most songs aren’t. But for him to have earned millions and millions of pounds out of something so flippant; it’s ridiculous in the grand scheme of things. Someone could work in a factory for 40 years and not even scratch the surface…but again, I DO value art. Paul McCartney’s contributions to society are undoubtedly more significant than a factory worker… that’s not a nice thing to say. I’m coming across like an ill-informed sociology student so I’ll stop…but whatever, it’s interesting.
CitR: What’s your stance on downloading music? I have this bizarre, double-edged idea that, because I love playing music so much, it’d kind of feel like cheating to make enough money to live out of it, so I kind of support the whole thing, plus it increases exposure. I know being in a band is hard work, but in comparison to a regular job it is literally a dream come true. That said, as a fan rather than a musician, I think that it’s very important to support smaller bands and the record labels that they’re on, and therefore make an effort to buy their records, not to mention the fact that I love owning physical media… 
 
JC: Yeah I feel the same. I’m a hypocrite. I’d love to earn a good living out of making music but I think that has to be a by-product. I illegally download music and I’d never be angry with anyone for downloading ours. I think what is interesting is that it’s almost impossible now to make a career out of music, a financially rewarding career anyway. So in theory money will stop being a motivation. But again, it all has two sides. I like a lot of super-commercial music…
CitR: Can you sustain any sort of lifestyle from Mazes? Likewise, at my last count, you’ve made 100 quid from the project so far. Are you intending on using the money for anything in particular?
JC: Mazes wise, no, I don’t earn a living from it. Our record label’s fantastic and they have invested in us. We get to travel, to play our music to people and there’s certainly potential for us to earn a living in the future but at the moment no. Because we’re semi busy with the band, the truth is that it’s also very very difficult to hold down an actual paying job as well. It’s a balancing act. I don’t ever want to bum anyone out and when we got back from America last time, friends would say “You must’ve had a great time!”, and yes we did, but it certainly taints it a little when you’ve spent the 3 weeks in America not working, and wondering how you’re going to pay rent when you get back. I’m not moaning – I love being in this band, but it’s just pretty difficult sometimes.
£100…I’ve made more than that. A few people have paid a lot more than the £10 and then the majority have given a little extra. The songs on the blog are only 50% of the ones I’ve written… some people didn’t want theirs on the blog (which is completely in the spirit of it). As far as having a plan with the money…not really. I don’t have much of a job at the moment, so when I thank someone for paying me and tell them ‘you just bought me lunch and coffee’, I actually mean it.
CitR: One song that really got the ol’ cogs whirring was ‘Lick’, commissioned by the frozen yoghurt shop in Brighton of the same name. You write in the blurb above the song ‘Music to promote commerce. A tricky subject. One I’d always felt reasonably strongly about.’ Could you elaborate on that? Did the fact that Lick are a small independent company, whose product you’re a fan of anyway, ease the decision at all? Obviously you decided to record the song in the spirit of the project – but you also note that they paid you a lot more than the ten pound asking price…
JC: Well everyone knows that licensing songs to adverts or movie companies is one of the only ways a band can make big money nowadays. I don’t think anyone likes doing it – it cheapens the art. It probably goes against most band’s politics, but money talks. I did that song because it would go against my idea to refuse that. I can justify it by saying it was my artistic intention to write a song for whoever asked for one, and for it to be inspired by whatever they ask for. Ideally I’d like the intention to get really stretched…if McDonalds asked for a £10 song, would I do it? Yeah, probably ‘cos it’s so perverse…the EDL? Gary Glitter? Obviously not, but it’d be interesting
CitR: Have you had a particular favourite in the project so far? Why?
JC: I really enjoyed the one called ‘A Girl From Miami’… Annette sent me a recording of an autoharp and I figured something out over that. Had to stretch myself a little on that and it felt good. 
 
CitR: Is there any particular conclusion you’re hoping to draw from the project, or indeed hoping other people to draw?
JC: Not really…I mean I’ve intellectualized it myself, but really it’s just a fun thing to do.
All the songs from Art Is Cheap can be found <a href="https://artischeap.tumblr.com/" title="Art Is Cheap">here</a>, and you can follow both <a href="https://twitter.com/#!/jackmazes" title="Jack Twitter">Jack</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/#!/M_A_Z_E_S" title="Mazes Twitter">Mazes</a> on Twitter.

Interview: Jack Mazes – Art Is Cheap

This will be somewhat of an indulgent post, however I felt like CITR would be an ideal forum to provide brief recounts of an adventure a few friends and I are currently on. Beginning in Norway we are driving a Reliant Robin (not too dissimilar from the one posted above) down through the Baltic states to eventually reach Ukraine and their premier dance festival, Kazantip. Entitled the Black Sea Run, the journey involves several other teams who have cars ranging from a Pink Trabant (google it) to a leopard print limousine. Below are a few highlights of a trip so far, however the side effects of a plethora of overpriced drinks last night may make it sound like a bit of a ramble.
Beginning in Norway, we traveled away from the airport a few hundred KM south of Oslo in the direction of Stockholm. As I’m sure many of you reading this will know, Norway is a fantastically beautiful place. With stretches of tarmac blazoning into the horizon we drove an epic 600KM in our bid to distance ourselves from the extortionate prices that Norway presented us with – 10 quid for a regular McDonalds and 6 quid for a Beer may give you a bit of an indication. However not being ones for materialism, we stopped off just south of Norway at a Fjord and swam in the refreshing waters of a small harbour. This was not before we spent an hour trying to find our reference point of Drammen, a small town, only to realise we had been circumnavigating said town in a bid to find it.
Pushing on, we traveled around Norway to head across country and to reach the border with Sweden. Our first sight of Sweden was a ‘Tocks Free’ shopping centre, and after several hours of driving it could not have been more welcome. In a spark of genius we decided to buy the ingredients for a BBQ and 1KG of Sweden’s finest confectionery. Our reasoning was that we were surrounded by phenomenal countryside – there had to be a place to set up camp and go all rural. The rest of this journey felt like a blur after passing one campsite that (surprisingly) charged ridiculous rates. By about midnight we called it a day and ended up in thew most pleasant motel I will probably ever visit. Over breakfast the next morning we renewed our efforts to make the final 150KM to Stockholm and have our BBQ. After pulling over to a piece of land next to a river we discovered the grave error in our logic as our burgers had turned to mush, and the 1KG brick of cheese Hector insisted on buying was on it’s way to becoming a liquid.
Realising we only had an hour and a half to get to the ferry we once again plowed on and made it with just enough time to spare. Upon boarding the ‘Baltic Queen’ we met up with the other teams, which included a couple of Americans and some Swedes, and spent the rest of the evening drinking solidly (if you’re reading this Peter, I know you’d be proud). An eventful night was had on the Baltic Queen, however I’m honour bound by ‘Tour Rules’ not to go into any more detail. Essentially you’re going to have to wait until the photos inevitably make it on to Facebook.
Today we’re planning on driving down to Riga, so I must leave my ramblings here. If you’ve gotten this far – well done!

Day 1&2 – Get out of Norway

<a rel="attachment wp-att-6467" href="https://admin.crackintheroad.com/music/6465-feature-why-i-dont-care-about-rick-martin/attachment/oak-park-april-6-2009cory-campbell-of-denver-browses-through-vinyl-at-vals-halla-records-on-harrison-st-the-40-year-old-oak-park-establishment-will-be-participating-in-record-store-day-april"><img class="alignnone size-900wide wp-image-6467" title="RSD" src="https://api.crackintheroad.com/uploads/2011/04/dw-recordstore-041609-p3-900x589.jpg" alt="" width="900" height="589" /></a>With Record Store Day approaching, it’s inevitably going to stoke the flames of the already heated debate surrounding the murky future of physical releases in the music industry. After reading a horrendously written, poorly researched <a href="https://www.nme.com/blog/index.php?blog=146&title=why_i_don_t_care_about_record_store_day&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1&fb_comment_id=fbc_10150256219723222_17209506_10150256998948222#f1f2d67f6">article</a> courtesy of Rick Martin at NME, I took it upon myself to conjure up a rebuttal. Whilst there’s no denying the declining sales that physical records are experiencing; in no way does this automatically make CDs, vinyls and tapes obsolete, and to suggest so is to completely alienate and disrespect a sizeable and intensely passionate sector of the music buying public.
In a modern, progressively digital age, Rick Martin’s comments shocked me; if not purely for the reason that they came from a business that is primarily based in print, and whose digital output leaves much to be desired. Was it not NME who only a couple of years ago took upon a huge campaign promoting the sales of vinyl, through a 7″ single giveaway courtesy of The White Stripes? Whilst there is the occasional mp3 made available to download through the NME website, they are mainly collated from various other, more accessible, more reliable websites, who deservedly pride themselves on the quality of their writing, design and functionality, three aspects that NME seemingly cares little for. If the future is indeed a purely digital one, NME are rapidly falling behind and showing few signs of adopting a different approach.
Anyway, as with this site itself, I should hope people read each article as the personal thoughts of the writers, and not the view of the publication as a whole, so I’ll retrace my steps to the article at hand. Only two sentences into the piece and Martin has already deviated almost entirely from his chosen title, disregarding the importance of Record Store Day within a dozen or so words. With little intelligent input on Record Store Day itself, he instead chooses to use the article as a platform to voice his own, misinformed views on the record industry as a whole. For me, the day will be a success regardless of sales or financial gain; merely for the sense of joy and excitement felt by some as they purchase a exclusive, elegantly illustrated vinyl record from their favourite artist.
Only last week I found myself wading through years of memories whilst cleaning my room; a painstaking and mundane task at best. Chancing upon the first CD I ever bought (Aqua – Aquarium if you were wondering) brought about an unprecedented sense of nostalgia, a feeling I wouldn’t have experienced had I stumbled upon the digitised folder whilst sorting through my laptop. Several hours and numerous memorable pop hits later, I tore myself away from Now 42 and got on with what I had originally intended to do, in a far more upbeat manor than previously.
I entirely understand, as I’m sure that many others do, that owning a CD or vinyl single does not elevate you to the position of copyright holder or even the greatly sought after emotional holder of said music. However, since the age of 15 I have made it a goal of mine to own the majority of my favourite tracks in a physical form, as the artists intended them to be. Holding the limited edition 7″ Band of Horses vinyl for their epic track The Funeral brings about a wave of euphoria that I am yet to succumb to whilst scrolling blankly through my iTunes library. An intriguing and engaging artwork is always going to be so, whether displayed upon an LCD screen or printed upon cardboard, but that doesn’t change the fact it’s far more wholesome and enjoyable to physically open your new purchase, insert it into your CD/vinyl player for the first time and truly experience the intangible beauties of music.
Now the one point I do agree with that Martin makes amongst his nonsensical ramblings, is the importance that is making a physical release both original and desirable, in it’s presentation, delivery and contents. We’ve seen Radiohead trial a ‘newspaper’ album recently, as well as the resurgence of cassette tapes, as shown with Of Montreal’s most recent release. Two bold moves, of what is hopefully part of a new level of creative thinking amongst the methods of realising music, to incorporate a way that will offer more personal satisfaction than simply clicking ‘purchase’ on the iTunes store.
Thinking ahead to the not so distant future, one of the appeals of bringing up children is the thought of introducing and educating them in new creative forms that helped to define and shape the person I am. I don’t envision myself simply handing over a minuscule sized hard-drive and instructing them to drag and drop several hundred files onto their own portable device. I want to be able to sit down, and hand my child each individual record, retelling my own personal stories of discovery and enjoyment, in the hope that they to may share in the history of the artefact. Sounds awfully self-indulgent and idealistic when I describe it like that, however I remember being in a similar situation with my parents and learning about their lives, as well as unearthing countless musical gems, a treasured and invaluable experience we wouldn’t have shared had they simply loaded up Spotify and left me to my own devices.
Having belief in the future of music and the important role that the internet will play in the path music promotion and discovery takes, is entirely different to claiming the ‘old-fashioned’ methods of distributing music as redundant. Claiming that music is purely about the actual creation itself, and only that, would be like saying football is solely about the events that occur between three and five o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. There’s no questioning the importance, however we shouldn’t limit ourselves to one, narrow minded way of thinking.
Labelling local independent record store owners as ‘socially-inadequate, sniffy twerps’ is an arrogant and ignorant conclusion to come to. Whilst I have met some who are overly passionate about music as an art form, almost to the point of repulsion, I prefer this than to be treated sullenly by a surly teenager in HMV, incapable of telling the difference between Bruno Mars and The Mars Volta. Demolishing the concept of releasing singles in physical formats, is for me, another step towards music merely becoming a background noise, fading into obscurity amongst the continuous drone that soundtracks everyday life, but that is a subject for another day.
It’s a depressing scenario when music is being enjoyed as such a diluted art form, that it’s almost unrecognisable, and I for one will do everything in my powers to prevent this. Current financial situations don’t lend themselves to extravagant vinyl spending sprees, however, if you have a couple of quid spare, then why not support both your local record store and your favourite musicians and maybe you’ll discover some self-fulfilment amongst it. So for now, I’ll let Rick Martin keep his iTunes library stocked up with the latest tracks from The View, I’m quite content with my vinyls and CDs, even if I am ‘livin da vida loca’.
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Feature: Why I Don’t Care About Rick Martin

The 26th of March was a day of ideological opposites. What you’ve undoubtedly been subjected to over the last few days, however, is an endless stream of images that show the protest at its most violent and turbulent. Despite the media’s corruption of the day, at times it was exactly like that. By 9pm Piccadilly was a wasteland: fires billowed from huge piles of rubbish, bins and traffic cones littered the streets and the police desperately tried to control the situation as best they could.
It hadn’t started like this however. 11 hours earlier I was on the top deck of a bus in east London. The seats were occupied almost exclusively by parents and their children, one kid even offered me a bit of her tuna sandwich, I declined but it looked pretty fucking delicious. The scene couldn’t have been further away from the scenes later in the day. As we left the bus with our newfound friends, the atmosphere that greeted us on the streets was electric with the sinister feelings of protests from the past evaporated, despite the location being the same. There was a genuine feeling that things could change. I even found I wasn’t annoyed by Socialist workers trying to sell me their propaganda as a walked by, believe me when I say this: that hardly ever happens. I was walking on air, we all were. More than anything people were having fun, protesters whistled and hollered as we marched under echo-filled bridges, bands played and there was a belief that with this unified attitude, we could overcome the appalling politics that had sparked the protests in the first place.
As we followed the route to Hyde Park the feeling was sustained. We were greeted by thousands of people, a huge stage and a rather handsome didgeridoo player. Unfortunately this didn’t last long. A tweet from UK-UNCUT spread trough the crowd, “apparently they’re using tear gas on Oxford street” muttered my friend with his eyes locked to his phone. By the time we arrived the ‘violence’ had spread to Piccadilly Circus, I got there just in time to see around three banks being broken into. Alarms echoed through the streets to the soundtrack of “Whose streets? OUR STEETS!!” I was inclined to believe them.
The last time I wrote about the protests in London I was fairly supportive of the actions of the anarchists. I’m not in anyway supportive of violence and would describe myself as a pacifist, yet the destruction didn’t seemed to be targeted at a particular person or sect, more the system that is failing us. On the 26th, although the sentiment may have been the same, the ‘anarchist’s actions were in no way in keeping with the mentality and ideology of the protest. This time they were actually a minority.
As the statistics came through in the days that followed it made for depressing reading. 201 arrested and 149 charged along with a slightly annoying statement from Commander Bob Broadhurst, who led the Met police operation, “Their intent appeared to be causing havoc, with no concern at all for those people in central London they were putting in danger.” I don’t think that was their intent at all, if anything they were the people there that day that cared the most, but I still think they tainted what could have otherwise been a major step in the countries’ distaste for the cuts.
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Feature: The Cuts Protest

Eva Wiseman’s Up Front feature in The Observer Magazine (20.03.2011) begins:
“It’s a window on the world and our constant companion…So why are we made to feel guilty about watching too much telly?”
Instantly, I know that this article will infuriate me, a staunch advocate of watching as little television as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s the devil’s work, and I’m not going to make any claims about it turning people’s brains to mush. I just take an instant dislike to anybody that considers television their constant companion.
My suspicions of impending irritation are swiftly confirmed. Ignoring an awkward and stretched reference to memory sticks in some flawed attempt to seem current and cutting for now, Eva is quick to endorse the national figures on viewing, the central statistic being the average thirty hours of television an adult will watch each week. That’s almost four and a half hours each day. That’s a very substantial proportion of the free-time the average adult has. Eva chooses to “revel in the role” that television plays in her life, rather than “dismissing television as something that fills my time”. Whilst I am sure that you could find four hours of quality broadcasting that will challenge you, broaden your mind, and open a “window on the world” for you, Eva does not seem to be, citing Jackie Stallone’s entrance to the Big Brother house in 2005 as “perhaps my highlight of that year”. Aside from viewing habits, I feel that this may call into question the value of the contents of her entire year.
If anybody can think of something as mind-numbing as four hours of flicking through channels and watching such utter pap for lack of imagination or motivation, I would love to hear from them (Submissions of Frankie and the Heartstrings’ latest album not considered). You are made to feel guilty because there is little as vapid or shallow as the senseless gaping at pretty lights that most television ultimately is. Nobody has to defend the idea of indulgence in artwork, music, or literature, because unlike television people do not so frequently succumb to accepting the first vaguely diverting spectacle that is paraded before them. Throw away your television.
I will admit to the odd spot of television. I watch Merlin and Doctor Who when they’re on (and not just because they happen to be on the exact same slot on BBC1 at opposite ends of the year), but having read such sentimental piffle as
“The memory of watching them, often alone on my laptop, the sound of festivities elsewhere in the flat, a fight about fried chicken in noisy progress below my window, makes me feel peaceful. Sleepy almost, as though I’ve just eaten a full christmas dinner”
and the dubious call-to-arms that is
“I urge you to come out of your viewing closets, clickers raised”,
I feel less inclined to “indulge” in viewing than ever. Yes, there is something faintly hypnotic about television, and even for a desensitized (as far as zombies go) twenty year old the image of an army of people stumbling aimlessly, blindly pressing their remotes, holds a certain terror.
“But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun, and count every beautiful thing we can see” – Jeff Mangum (Neutral Milk Hotel), In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

Feature: Television

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As much as we’ve advanced as a human race, prejudice and discrimination are two things that continue to plague our existence. What we have learned to do however is eliminate it from our popular culture, at least at first glance. Of course the ‘nigger’ debate still rages on, but most have resided to agree that the word had been manipulated sufficiently to suit an entirely different culture. The rules of use can never be completely distinct, but in the context of hip-hop and ‘black music’ the chances of offence are minimal.
Homophobia on the other hand is a prejudice that has, almost without us realising, crawled back into popular music. The line between the acceptance of racism and homophobia is illogical but simple. With most mainstream religion’s stances on homosexuality being a distinctly negative one it gives those who hold these views a supposedly secure intellectual backdrop. Of course all forms of homophobia aren’t necessarily motivated by religion, but it’s hard to deny that they play a part its acceptability.
Acceptability is the word that strikes so much concern. Homophobia of course isn’t close to being a normal occurrence in modern music or culture, but it’s there nonetheless. Take Sizzla, a dance hall reggae singer who has repeatedly taken violent stabs at the gay community, so much so that he was denied visas to various countries when he tried to tour. In an interview by Richard Burnett for the magazine ‘Hour’ on the 19th of August 2004, Sizzla said:
“…burn sodomite, burn battyman. Burn all things that are wrong. Burn it… We must get rid of Sodom and Gomorrah right now…”
Seemingly unforgivable right? But if these hateful views never transferred to his music perhaps we could listen through gritted teeth? Sizzla’s tune ‘Get To Da Point’ makes this impossible.
“ Sodomite and batty bwai mi seh a death fi dem  [Sodomite and queers, I say death to them] 
Mi no trust babylon fi a second yah so  [I don’t trust Babylon for a second] 
Mi a go shot batty bwai dem widdi weapon ya  [I go and shoot queers with a weapon]”
Although he renounced his views in 2007, it seems hard to believe that something so ingrained could disappear so suddenly. Despite the hateful language and futile conclusion to this story, at least Sizzla felt the full backlash of the musical community. What’s more depressing is the vast amount of cases like this that go unnoticed or forgiven.
50 Cent’s tweet last year, “If you a man and your over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y just kill your self damn it. The world will be a better place. Lol.”, was a perfect example of this. Again an apology followed, but it’s hard to believe that 50 Cent suddenly decided he wasn’t going to be an ignorant moron.
So far so disturbing, but it’s not all bad. The much loved MC Common spoke out about his own homophobia recently and the statement seemed genuinely apologetic. 
“They was like, ‘Why you keep disrespecting homosexuality?’ I thought about it. I ain’t here to judge ’em, so I just decided not to approach it like that.”
Kanye West’s statement at a 2008 concert was even more genuine, saying that it took him time to, “break out of the mental prisons [of homophobia]” and encouraged the audience to, “Open your minds. Be accepting of different people and let people be who they are.” Unfortunately for every breakthrough there will always be a Katy Perry song called ‘Ur so gay’.
The one thing that all these artists have I common is that I don’t care about them. Sure they spread hateful views, but I don’t loose sleep at night thinking about them being wrapped up in their own ignorance. What has genuinely got me thinking recently is my stance on Tyler, the creator and his OFWGKTA collective. This is the first time that an artist who I genuinely respect has expressed views that conflict with my own. His repeated use of the words ‘faggot’ and ‘homo’ could perhaps be seen as playfully ignorant or even post-modern, others however are harder to forgive “go ahead admit it faggot, this shit is tighter than butt rape”. What are more baffling are Tyler’s religious views, repeatedly expressing his atheism and even comically asking people to “play this shit in church”. For someone so apposed religion, he wears a common belief on his sleeve.
So where do I stand? To be honest I’m not completely sure. But after writing this article I went back and listened to his music and found is almost unlistenable in places. It seems that I’m not on the Tyler, The Creator hype train as much as I first thought.

Feature: Homophobia In Music

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For many people, music is one of the first ports of call when dealing with grief, whether it be loss of life, broken relationships or shattered hearts, it’s comforting to find a piece of music to find solace in. Without giving away too much about my own life, here is a short yet insightful look into some tracks that have the ability to turn on my waterworks. 
Bright Eyes – Lime Tree 
Choosing just one track from Conor Oberst was far and away the most complex decision in compiling this list. With his unrivaled back catalogue of heartwrenching songs, I managed to narrow it down to a list of three, and from there dwindled it down to just one. Whilst Lime Tree is a smoother, more polished affair than other Bright Eyes tracks, it’s the tone of despair and grief with which Conor sings that completes the track. 
The tearjerker – “Don’t be so amazing or I’ll miss you too much, I felt something that I had never touched” 
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Joy Division – Atmosphere 
Such an apt title for a hauntingly poignant track, many have said in hindsight that it portrayed what was to come, however the lyrics almost contradict the way events played out. Desolation, loss and pain are all encompassing, and Atmosphere goes some way to proving this. 
The tearjerker – “Walk, in silence. Don’t walk away, in silence” 
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Elliott Smith – The Biggest Lie 
Another that in hindsight seems to have an altered meaning. The depression that Smith battled with throughout his life is perfectly summarised in The Biggest Lie, crucially the devastating effects in can have on others and the relationships we build. Following an argument with his girlfriend in 2003, Smith fatally stabbed himself in the heart. 
The tearjerker: “Oh, we’re so very precious, you and I, and everything that you do makes me want to die” 
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Band Of Horses – The Funeral 
Not as outwardly bleak as the title may suggest; much of the beauty lies in the instrumental sections, which at times dominate the lyrics. Such emotionally artistry has to be admired, and I can assure you that hearing Band of Horses play The Funeral live is an experience of biblical proportions. 
The tearjerker: “At every occasion I’ll be ready for the funeral” 
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Sinaed O’Connor – Nothing Compares 2 U 
The video, the atmosphere, the song itself. Rarely does a work of art come together with such intricacy, in a form that can only be described as perfection. It’s a timeless classic, never appearing cheesy or contrived, and has consoled many a shattered heart. 
The tearjerker: “Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling, tell me baby where did I go wrong?” 
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Color Of Clouds – Lullysome 
My most recent discovery from this list, taken from last years debut record, the entire album is emotionally stirring, but none more so than this track. First hearing this after a difficult breakdown of a relationship, it really struck a nerve; with the track longing to hold onto the fragile remains of a love once so powerful, ultimately ending inconclusive. 
The tearjerker: “Do you think, that we could fall in love again? I can see it clear” 
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Sigur Ros – Flugufrelsarinn 
Sung in Hopelandic, there’s incalculable solace in the vocal sounds created, which at peak at almost tormenting levels. Every second of it’s epic eight minute is carefully considered and orchestrated, allowing for this mystical yet alluring track to soar gracefully through the realms of the listeners consciousness. 
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Slint – Good Morning, Captain 
The closing track on their sublime 1991 record Spiderland, and arguably their most prolific track. Over the course of seven minutes the track builds in a fragile yet assured way, culminating in McMahan’s violently screamed vocals; the ultimate show of anguish. 
The tearjerker: “I miss you” 
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Silver Springs – Fleetwood Mac 
A heartwrenchingly honest ballad, documenting a relationship from start to finish. There will be few out there who cannot in some way relate to the honesty of this track, yearning for a spark to ignite in the heart of a loved one. The tearjerker: “Time casts a spell on you, but you won’t forget me, I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me” <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="425" height="30" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Ksmsv4myOmg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> 
Tom Waits – Ruby’s Arms Yet 
another artist who could have numerous entries in this list. His rasping, remorseful voice is at it’s utmost piercing, a simply sublime, moving track about a broken down relationship and a torn heart. The tearjerker: “I’ll never kiss your lips again, or break your heart, as I say goodbye I’ll say goodbye, say goodbye to Ruby’s arms.” 
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Feature: Ten Tearjerkers

<img class="alignnone" title="ipod" src="https://scaryideas.com/i/6899.jpg" alt="" width="890" height="556" />Since the immaculate conception of Crack in the Road way back in April 2010 our growth has undoubtedly been supported by the co-operation and eagerness of artists to feature on our site. So in light of this, and with the new year just under way, I thought I’d outline a few principles which may help budding artists to have their music posted on blogs, either this one itself, or sites likes ourselves. Obviously all sites will vary with their procedures as to posting music and featuring artists, but the principles are very much the same, and you’d be astounded at the number of artists who deviate unashamedly from the basic steps.
1) Contact the site directly.
In a day and age where publicity and the growth of trends happens in seconds, it’s crucial that you are available for direct communication. It’s understandable for world superstars to have PR companies managing their affairs, but for a group who have played a few pubs and had a couple of tracks played on the local radio, it’s not necessary. It’s also a monetary concept as well, there is little that a PR company can do for you, that you couldn’t do yourself with slightly more thought and concerted effort, save the money for equipment, traveling, recording.
2) Be approachable and honest.
Any communication should be formal to a certain extent, but don’t make any email sound contrived or self-important. Do your utmost to come across as friendly, and most of all, passionate. Always tell the truth, it only takes a quick internet search to discover whether or not said fact or quote is in fact legitimate. Communicate through all media, whether it be facebook, email, twitter or whatever else is in fashion at the time.
3) Be positive.
Have belief in the quality of the music you are creating; instead of saying “If you like the music, I can send you a CD”, say, “Can I have an address for which to send a copy of our CD to?”. If you don’t have belief in your own music, then there’s nothing to suggest that anyone else should. Instead of opening your email with a quote from a never that great, washed up musician, start with a quote from yourself, outlining your creative intent found in your music. You are the creator, you know far more about your music than anyone else in the entire world, thrive upon that.
4) Do your research and have an opinion.
Have a look around the site before contacting them, it’s probably no use contacting a blog that specializes in 1920’s underground Asian rap, if your music is 1970’s harmonica solo’s recorded in igloo’s. Read a few articles/interviews and form an opinion on it – “yes I agreed with… however my personal highlight was….”. We love the music, show your passion as well.
5) Offer something in return and be pro-active.
As well as telling us about your next gig, offer guestlist places or competition tickets. The same goes for CD’s and other promotional goods, none of us at this site are paid for what we do, so it’s nice to receive some form of admission for the effort we put in. Also think in terms of the broader site, post links to the site on your facebook/twitter/myspace, we’re far more likely to do the same. Offer exclusives, if you’ve just recorded a cover of Afroman’s “Because I Got High” then tell us, and offer it as a free download from the site.
6) Follow up communication.
We’re not perfect and neither are you, emails get over-looked, misplaced, even forgotten at times, so send another email a few days later, however don’t just copy and paste what you have already sent. Appreciate also that we don’t have time to reply to each and every email received, so maybe after the second follow up email, leave it there and pursue other routes of promotion. Don’t get your brother’s mate’s uncle (albeit a huge fan of your music) to bombard the site with emails, “U guyz shud chek owt dis music!” it gets annoying after a while.
7) Keep it relevant and concise.
Give a bit of background information, ie who you are, where you from, what instruments you play, but ask yourself whether it is relevant, or just taking up time that could be spent listening to your music? Do we really need to know that you once sat on your dog and it yelped the chorus to Life Styles of the Rich and Famous by Good Charlotte, and from thenceforth you’ve wanted to be a punk rocker? Probably not.
8) Showcase exactly what you are selling/promoting.
If you are promoting your debut CD, then send us a copy of it, don’t send three or four soundcloud links, where none of the tracks are available to download. We don’t sit at our laptops all day, plugged into firefox, churning out review after review, at least send downloadable versions of the tracks, so if we want to enjoy your music away from the confines of a laptop, then we can do so. Someone who buys your music isn’t going to be expected to sit at their PC screen to listen to it, so neither should we.
9) Be reasonable.
This website, like many other music blogs, is run entirely for our own enjoyment, not for profit, in fact all of us have reached into our pockets at some point to help fund the running of this site. We write as much as possible and as appropriate, please understand this. On the whole we will not write negative reviews of bands who are trying to “make it”, especially of tracks or CD’s. If we see a live performance that is under-par, then we may write a short, critical, but helpful review. Also try to be reasonable with sales, is it better to have 10 sales of your track on iTunes, or have 2,000 people download your single for free? We live in an age where people will quite happily download a track in seconds, legally or not, but will hesitate when it comes to spending 79p on the unknown.
10) Enjoy.
Most importantly, show the sites that you are contacting that you have a real passion and drive for what you do. At the heart of music is an enjoyable, creative process, let us in on it, and we are far more likely to understand where you are coming from.

New Artists: Tips For Getting Your Music Posted

Leaving the 60’s firmly behind us, we move into the afterglow which is now commonly known as the 1970’s. Gone were many of the hippies, dampened was the initial optimism of the youth, and in return the 1970’s welcomed Margaret Thatcher into the political realm and cast a sad economic shadow across the whole nation. Would this be reflected in the Christmas Number 1’s? Would Rolf Harris picked up from where he left off and influence another decade of Christmas Number 1’s? Or would we be spared such torture? In a decade of uncertainty, in Christmas Number 1’s we observe and judge.
The first Christmas Number 1 of the 70’s was achieved by the second, and somewhat lesser known, Welshmen to grace the record books. Dave Edmunds‘ rendition of the 50’s classic, I Hear You Knocking held on to the coveted Number 1 spot for a whopping 6 weeks and was welcome change from the travesty which so cruelly ended the 60’s Christmas Number 1’s. A rock-y blues effort, I Hear You Knocking had achieved good success in America when originally released by Smiley Lewis, though Edmunds effort received a label of recommendation few others tracks have ever achieved when John Lennon stated it was his favourite new recording. Bestowed with this honour, Edmunds‘ Number 1 proved a stark contrast to the Number 1’s that had preceded him. Emphatic syncopation and distorted vocals, fused with an Americana sound that to many people would sound like anything other than ‘Christmas’, I Hear You Knocking did however contain a level of a attitude which had become a mainstay in many 60’s Christmas Number 1’s. A relatively simple yet addictive track, something which will become a common trend in Christmas Number 1’s to date, I Hear You Knocking kick started a very mix matched decade of Christmas Number 1’s.
Having already witnessed the first few attempts of comic Christmas Number 1’s, it wasn’t until 1971 that the listening Christmas audience were given a truly fantastic track by the great Benny Hill. Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West) is an innuendo laden story detailing the rivalry between Ernie, a milkman, with Ted, a bread delivery man, who both vie for the heart of a widow named Sue. Very smartly and wittily put together, Hill‘s track was of course aided to success by the popularity of his accompanying comic TV show, however I think it’s important we treat the track as a separate entity. For many years the Christmas Number 1 was a track that had a story, a story that many people could, to some degree, associate temselves with. With Ernie, Hill had managed to pick upon relatively mundane jobs and situations within the every day lives of people and expertly satirise them to an extent which was amusing but not demeaning. More over, Hill was smart enough to use a Wild West theme that would have still been very popular with people, a classic example being Who Shot Liberty Valance, and transform it into a very likable and listenable track. However while the musical structure was a play upon a seasoned stereotype, it was the universal listenability of his lyrics which allowed Ernie to become Number 1. All his innuendoes were subtle and his subject matter seemingly innocent, therefore parents would have been able to play the track in the company of their children without concern. Playing upon heartbreak and bravery while infusing a wonderful comic element into the song, Hill‘s track in many ways is what I’d call an ideal Christmas Number 1.
From genius to the utterly annoying, the 1972 Christmas Number presented us with the 70’s answer to Justin Bieber; Jimmy Osmond. The key difference being there were far fewer teenage lesbians trying to replicate his hair cut. Long Haired Lover From Liverpool stormed to the Christmas Number 1 spot, with The Osmond Family providing the music and background vocals to the whiney, high pitched vocals of the youngest child Jimmy, whom they thrust forward hoping to play upon his ‘cute’ element. Sadly, the listening British audience of 1972 were wholeheartedly taken in by this awfully cheesy concoction. However more than just being horrendously painful to listen to, Osmond‘s number 1 demonstrates a vital part of the development of the Christmas Number 1. For one of the first ever occasions, the ‘novel’ and ‘nonsensical’ Christmas Number 1 hadn’t been created by the song itself, but rather the people singing. Jimmy Osmond was considered by many as wholesome, cute, and, most importantly,  interesting due to being American. That’s right, people were excited about the fact this cute 9 year old and his singing family were linking their native America to the city of Liverpool. While we will no doubt cover more horrific Christmas Number 1’s, this stands out as one of the worst. I am dissapointed in every single person who bought this. Shame on you.
In roaring style, the listening public of 1973 made up for their awful error the previous year by promoting to Christmas Number 1 perhaps the most enduring Christmas song ever created. Slade‘s Merry Xmas Everyone is one of the most significant Christmas Number 1’s history for being the first Number 1 explicitly about Christmas yet still remaining a good musical entity. It also proved that you didn’t have to be good looking to achieve the Christmas title either (sorry Nobby). Wonderfully anthemic, upbeat and optimistic, Slade provided a Christmas Number 1 which guaranteed to get you into the Christmas spirit with it’s rock-y guitars and marching percussion. Emphasising the family elements of Christmas in a jovially cheeky approach, Slade created a Christmas Number 1 that, while toying with typical stereotypes, did not attempt to hark back to past Christmas Number 1’s or images, both stylistically and lyrically. Instead we were finally graced with a Christmas Number 1 that promoted looking, moving, thinking, and acting forward, in which Christmas Day could be a day of celebration and community. However as Christmas Number 1’s always tend to do, Slade‘s effort was completely contrasted with the 1974 Christmas Number 1 Lonely This Christmas by the Glam Rock quartet Mud. Often erroneously attributed to Elvis Presley, the slow and mellow nature of this Number 1 is a tribute to the audio cotton candy of previous Christmas Number 1’s, where a lovelorn story was what every one wanted to listen to. However it is important to note that for the second year in a row it was a track explicitly about Christmas that made the number 1 spot, therefore concreting the idea that this genre didn’t simply have to be a one off novel track, rather you could use well respected musical genres to create genuine Christmas messages. Perhaps had this popped up in the 60’s I would have been slightly  more scathing, but I’m still hurting after the Osmond track, so this number 1 is a good’un in my books.
1975. Christmas Number 1. Queen. Bohemian Rhapsody. It had taken 5 years, but the 70’s had finally managed to promote one of the best songs in history to it’s rightful place as a Christmas Number 1. I’m not going to go in to detail about the track itself as you will have all heard it, and if you haven’t then you shouldn’t be reading this blog, but rarely will a Christmas Number 1 ever again be as truly genius as this Queen classic. One of the few occasions it seems that a Christmas Number 1 was selected purely on it’s musical merit, I would quite gladly have Bohemian Rhapsody blasting out as I opened my presents and ate my copious about of Turkey. However obviously a bit thrown by a Christmas Number 1 that had not been about Christmas, or audio cotton candy, the listening British public reverted to their old ways and in 1976 brought Johnny Mathis‘ When a Child is Born to the Christmas Number 1 slot for a pitiful 3 weeks. While considered by many as a classic Christmas Number 1, Mathis‘ effort is simply another track that plays upon loose Christian imagery to play up to the typical ‘warming’ music that many though, and were correct in thinking, would sell over Christmas. Preaching about world peace in the most pathetic terms. ‘it must come true, sometime, somehow‘, Mathis‘ work is definitely a product of it’s time as I highly doubt you’d be able to get away with the lyric ‘black, white, yellow, who knows?‘ in many modern classics. However as we attempt to take a purely objective view of the Christmas Number 1’s, Mathis‘ Number 1 demonstrates the fickle nature of the Christmas Number 1. The 70’s was steadily becoming the decade in which the ‘Christmas’ Christmas Number 1’s was developing it’s first strong foundations.
I really wish that I could be one of those Englishmen who hated the sound of bagpipes, simply so I could act genuinely outraged that the 1977 Christmas Number 1 contained the noise of their shocking shrill, however I’d be lying. Rather, I actually quite like them, so I have a bit of a soft spot for this Christmas Number 1, Wings‘ Mull of Kintyre. McCartney had yet again managed to get into the Christmas Number 1’s, however now in the guise of his ever changing Wings, which primarily focused around himself and his wife, Linda. A track detailing an admiration of the beauty of the Scotish highlands, Mull of Kintyre is a relatively boring song that is only saved by McCartney‘s distinct and engaging vocals that turn the track into a rather spiritual yet accessible musical entity. Somehow Mull of Kintyre even managed to retain it’s Number 1 spot for a staggering 9 weeks, which perhaps suggests a musical drought which to this day has never been reported upon. However it is interesting to note that Mull of Kintyre, like several other 70’s Christmas Number 1’s, has a very communal feel to it, insofar as an ability for everyone to be able to appreciate and join in to the track itself. Approaching the end of the 70’s, we are revisited by a Christmas Number 1 that had first made an appearance in the 50’s; Mary’s Boy Child. Although on this occasion it was the disco group Boney M that reworked this classic into a irritatingly likable track that was baptist in it’s declaration of Jesus and ‘The Lord’, while mixing this with bursts of tambourine and bells to create a Christmas song you could dance to. To many this Christmas Number 1 will simply be a glorified ringtone, but it demonstrated yet again that the Christmas Number 1 is a track that you simply could not predict. Rather, it was a position held by what ever was, to borrow a more modern term, ‘trending’ at that particular time. And it is for this very reason why the Christmas Number 1 is such a valuable tool in looking back not only in to the history of music, but in to social and cultural history.
For the first time in our tour through the Christmas Number 1’s of the past, this decade ended it’s Christmas Number 1’s with a fantastic and enduring track. Pink Floyd‘s Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) reigned supreme for 5 weeks and provided a final twist to a decade of completely random Christmas Number 1’s. The 70’s had been a tumultuous decade, full of political unrest and economic woes, therefore the Christmas Number 1’s can aide our ability to identify the common feeling of the time. In the same decade we had gone from the sheer optimism and cheer of Slade to the empowered yet dark voice of Floyd‘s effort, in which teachers, and presumably the wider government, are criticised for being over controlling and domineering in their approach. Bursting with awe inspiring guitar riffs, Pink Floyd are one of the few efforts, including that of Queen‘s, that can be considered truly great songs that were made Christmas Number 1 for simply that reason. They were by no means a track designed simply to sell as a Christmas Number 1, rather they were brought to prominence simply by their own musical merit. I know that this could sound a bit like common sense, but as we work closer to the 80’s and 90’s, such tracks became harder to find as the music industry realises the true economic potential of the Christmas Number 1, and the truly awful shit that most people would be able to buy, and maybe even listen to. However in terms of the 70’s, the Christmas Number 1 had gone through perhaps it’s most evolutionary phase, in which there had been the comic, the festive, the genius and the awful had all featured.
Yet again I have put together a play list, but the might Pink Floyd have yet to agree to Spotify, so a live performance will have to suffice.
<a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/bennyboy2010/playlist/1wEF9uWMAX3purvXjms9bv">1970’s Christmas/Crack In The Road</a>
<a href="spotify:user:bennyboy2010:playlist:1wEF9uWMAX3purvXjms9bv">1970’s Christmas/Crack In The Road</a>

A Brief History of the Christmas Number 1 – The 1970’s

So we enter the next decade of our journey into the phenomenon which is the Christmas Number 1. The 1960’s marked a distinct change in the direction of the development of the world, with the Cold War, pardon the pun, heating up, and political activism sprouting and blossoming in an ever more empowered youth. With these exciting times came an exciting new musical genre, Rock & Roll. We saw evidence of this new genre toward the end of the 50’s, however it was to take the world, and the Christmas Number 1’s, by storm, though perhaps not as early as many may have thought.
This said, the first Christmas Number 1 of the 1960’s would also introduce us to the musical heavyweight (even I can’t decide whether I mean this or not); Cliff Richard. This Cliff Richard, while still sickly sweet, was the Cliff Richard that had not yet decided to express his religious beliefs quite so reverently and had the backing of The Shadows. His 1960 Christmas Number 1 I love you, while not by any means the sort of Rock & Roll we have become accustomed to, laid down a great deal of the template to which many artists would follow. Jangly guitars and raucous percussion replaced the orchestrated nature of many of the hits in the 50’s, while Cliff Richard is arguably the first ‘heartthrob’ we’ve encountered during our Christmas Number 1’s. A short and very whimsical track, I Love You demonstrates that love has always been a big seller over the Christmas period, and more importantly that the Christmas Number 1 had very much been a track that was easy listening. This sense of easy listening, a track that could act as an audio cotton wool of warmth and protection, carried on in our 1961 Christmas Number 1 Moon River performed by Danny Williams. Made famous by Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany‘s, it was the South African singer Danny Williams to win over the favour of Britain’s listening ears. He was such a hit that he was nicknamed ‘Britain’s Johnny Mathis‘ due to his smooth and stylish ballad style, a style not too dissimilar from a young Cliff Richard. Gone are the epic vocals of Martino and in come the quieter, more intimate vocals, demonstrating that many people had begun to view music as a far more personal experience. Unfortunately Williams‘ and Richard‘s efforts only lasted a pitiful two weeks at Christmas Number 1, and while our next Christmas Number 1 faired only slightly better with 3 weeks, I doubt that it was of any real concern to him.
The winter of 1962 brought to Britain ‘The Big Freeze’, in which there were no frostless nights until March the following year, and there were snow drifts up to 20 feet over South East England (A period not really mentioned during our own current ‘Snow Disaster’). Perhaps with some sense of irony, the people of Britain chose their Christmas Number 1 as a two fingered salute to the weather. Elvis Presley‘s Return To Sender peaked at Number 1 over Christmas in Britain for 3 weeks, and very much asserted the fact that our Christmas Number 1’s would be dominated by Rock & Roll for the coming years. Again, yet another track about forlorn love which remains upbeat and catchy, the British public had certainly decided exactly the sort of track they wanted to hear in their front rooms come Christmas morn. Sadly Return to Sender was a track that was released in a period that saw the marked decline of Elvis, but his Christmas Number 1 provided a track that was certainly, and thankfully, demonstrated a shift in taste that demanded a Christmas Number 1 which was entertaining and interesting than a simple ballad.
Now, I’m not sure if you have noticed the massive photo at the start of this article, but it is at this point you’re somewhat rewarded for having to look at Ringo Starr’s not-so-pretty-or-talented mug. 1963 saw the beginning of one of The Beatles many records, and in this case it was 3 consecutive Christmas Number 1’s. No other artist or band has ever come near this achingly prestigious achievement, and such a feat is a fantastic insight into the true extent of ‘Beatlemania’. I Want To Hold Your Hand was a massive hit on both sides of the Atlantic, and marked a huge change in musical tastes amongst the listening public. Gone were the timid outreaches into Rock & Roll, and instead The Beatles fully embraced brash guitars and soaring melodies with lyrics that were crafted with a great level of genius in terms of popular admiration. Everyone could listen to The Beatles and gleam something from it, and most importantly their first Christmas Number 1 was by no means the audio cotton wool that had preceded it. Instead Christmas Day would have been a far more upbeat and inspired affair, and as such the direction of the decade was changed. A great feeling of willing submission combusted into high level questioning and the youth moved into a reactive movement. Sadly we can still see how early the conceited nature of our Christmas Number 1’s become ingrained, as I Want To Hold Your Hand was a track written upon request of The Beatles‘ manager as to stir up interest and a fan base in America, as their previous singles had been a flop across the pond. Seemingly a sad but inevitable truth.
The following year The Beatles return to the Number 1 spot with their track I Feel Fine. A distinct change in sound from I Want To Hold Your Hand, it demonstrated not only that The Beatles were a musically evolving entity, but that the British public were in such a hypnoses with these cheeky Scousers that no other band of the period could shift them from that treasured winter Number 1 spot. Still a very accessible and entertaining track, The Beatles had fantastically managed to withdraw the trend of forlorn love in Christmas Number 1’s and replace it with a very active and optimistic love, meaning that Christmas no longer had to be a time of quiet and peace, but instead could be celebratory and simply fun. In many ways The Beatles were the first band to truly understand, or at least those that made money from them, the value of a Christmas Number 1. 1965 saw The Beatles capture the Number 1 spot again with their single Day Tripper, which was strategically released on the 3rd of December. A world away from their first Christmas Number 1 in terms of sound, The Beatles demonstrated that they had changed for good what a Christmas Number 1 meant. Beatlemaina had completely  enveloped audiences on both sides of the Atlantic and the Christmas Number 1 as a result was explicitly demonstrated as an ingenious tool as to perpetuate this interest and the financial gains many were to make from it. However we cannot take too much away from this achievement as for a period of time the Christmas Number 1 was graced with truly great songs, though for some 1966 would top the past three years.
That’s right, our favourite Welshman Tom Jones broke the control of The Beatles with his 1966 Christmas Number 1 Green Green Grass of Home. Not only had the English appeared to have reclaimed the creation of the Christmas Number 1, but the Welsh had got in on the act too. A country song originally written and performed a year prior to Jones‘ rendition, the Green Green Grass of Home presents us with a slight conundrum. For three years prior the Number 1 had been dominated by young and surging tracks, whereas Jones‘ track presents a lapse back into the audio cotton wool many would have been familiar with in the 50’s. Perhaps exhausted by the energy The Beatles had vested into Christmas, many people decided to stray back into a calm comfort zone with Jones‘ fantastically uplifting yet relaxed track. However what I believe sounds like a more realistic answer is that the only single The Beatles released that year from their fantastic Revolver album, was Yellow Submarine and it was released in August. Had their single been released at the start of December, there is no doubt in my mind that Tom Jones would have missed out on his Christmas claim to fame. More evidence of this can be seen in The Beatles return to the Christmas Number 1 spot in 1967 with their infamous track Hello, Goodbye. Another change in sound from their previous efforts, with this track portraying the more spiritual mystique The Beatles were developing in to, the fact this track was released at the end of November essentially guaranteed the band their Christmas Number 1 spot. Fittingly, this was the last Christmas Number 1 The Beatles would ever achieve, as the band began to disintegrate and Lennon became more and more disillusioned with what was surrounding him. However there is no denying that even with this slightly slower Christmas Number 1, The Beatles had changed perceptions of audiences across the world of what could grace our ears over Christmas.
Come 1968 and I encountered one of the more obscure Christmas Number 1’s that had ever made the cut. The Scaffold (no I had never heard of them either) topped the Christmas chart for 3 weeks with their performance of Lily The Pink. By all accounts a surprise Number 1 even in its hay day, The Scaffold contained Paul McCartney‘s brother, Mike McCartney, and the band were primarily a comic music trio. Achieving moderate success over their existence, they did sign to several major labels, The Scaffold achieved this particular success with the help of a young Elton John and Graham Nash. Lily The Pink itself was an already established folk song, but with The Scaffold‘s lyrical changes they managed to create a cheeky and humourous version that struck a chord with the British public. What’s most interesting about Lily The Pink is that it was the first of many Christmas Number 1’s which would reach it’s lofty heights not simply for it’s musical content, or a cult of personality, rather it’s pure light hearted nature. In many ways it can be seen as a communal sigh of relief from the crazy heights Beatlemaina reached, and most importantly it demonstrated that you didn’t need to be an international superstar, a heartthrob of a vocalist or even very talented to achieve a Christmas Number 1. To this day we still feel the consequences, both good and bad, of The Scaffold‘s achievement.
Reaching our final year of the 60’s, one of the few Australians to capture even a small part of the British imagination provided another surprise Christmas Number 1. That’s right, Rolf Harris‘ rendition of the 1902 track Two Little Boys reached the Number 1 spot and managed to stay there for a staggering 6 weeks. A truly awful track, in which Harris warbles American Civil War inspired lyrics over a generic brass brand. However who am I to comment, when Margaret Thatcher told BBC Radio Blackburn ten years later that it was one of her all time favourite songs. Thatcher‘s insightful music critique aside, Two Little Boys followed on from The Scaffold‘s Lily The Pink, insofar as the British public’s enjoyment of the ‘marching brass band’ sound, in which images and sounds of bravery in war came to represent a great deal of Christmas. A more famous example of this was Jona Lewie‘s Stop the Cavalry which was to come later, but perhaps it was the sense of resilience that these tracks presented that won the hearts, and wallets, of many. This phenomenon isn’t particularly new, as it can be seen in the classic Christmas Carol Little Drummer Boy, but it does suggest a sense of retreat from the massive change Beatlemania had caused.
The 1960’s was perhaps the most eventful year of Christmas Number 1’s. Beginning with the mellow nature of Cliff Richard, moving on to the chaotic musical revolt of Beatlemania, to the slowing end in which Christmas Number 1’s opened the flood gates to likeable yet farcical tracks. However most strikingly the 60’s was only the decade not to include any tracks that were explicitly about Christmas, religious or otherwise. This last fact is open to many avenues of speculation, but in many ways the 60’s acted as a microcosm of what the Christmas Number 1 can materlise as, and subsequently mean. The calm, the warming, the raucous, the life changing, and even the painfully pathetic, though always popular.
Check out my spotify playlist for the 60’s Christmas Number 1’s. However I must apologise as while The Beatles have released their music to iTunes, they have yet to do so on Spotify. Therefore you’ve got a delightful tribute band filling the void!
<a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/bennyboy2010/playlist/7bg97RPBRU2seBhGgvwfdB">1960’s Christmas/Crack In The Road</a>
<a href="spotify:user:bennyboy2010:playlist:7bg97RPBRU2seBhGgvwfdB">1960’s Christmas/Crack In The Road</a>

A Brief History of the Christmas Number 1 – The 1960’s

Looking back at over 50 years of Christmas Number 1’s, it’s hard to define one discernible pattern. Glancing over a collection of songs that range from the fantastic to the awful, the melancholic to the nonsensical, I am initially left wondering why we’re so hung up on what track happens to be the best selling over the Christmas period. It all used to strike me as painfully commercial and materialistic, as crazed shoppers would hurry through the isles of HMV or Virgin record stores desperately searching for a copy of the ‘Christmas Number 1’ believing it to be a holy grail of gifts, a gift that no one could possibly not like. How many Christmases must have been ruined by over eager mothers demanding their children to play, on repeat, the new single they’d been given for Christmas. I imagined major record labels cackling with delight as they worked as evil puppeteers, navigating people’s opinions and ‘musical tastes’ into buying into their concocted plan of the Christmas Number 1, to which they’d then sit back and reap the benefits. However over the course of researching this article, I began to realise that there may be more to this phenomena than just seedy economic gain.
In the first part of this series of articles, I shall look back at the Christmas Number 1’s of the 1950s.
With the creation of the Official Singles Chart in 1952, so was born our fascination with the Christmas Number 1. The first person to achieve this prestigious honour was the late great Al Martino with his song Here In My Heart. A pop song that was well and truly ingrained in the Crooner phase of the time, Here In My Heart is a surprisingly upbeat beginning for our journey through the Christmas Number 1’s. The track was a huge hit at the time, retaining the number 1 spot for a whopping 9 weeks, which is not so hard to believe when you go back in time and give this song a listen. A full brass band meets the emphatically powerful vocals of Martino, who bellows out melodramatic lyrics that were typical of the style of the time period. Obviously out dated to our modern day tastes, but that’s not what is important. When you listen to this first ever Christmas Number 1, you hear a song that would have genuinely been universally popular. Falling in the early stages of development of the main stream music industry, Here In My Heart represents a Christmas Number 1 that is musically well constructed, warming, accessible and, well, simply a song. As we progress through our time traveling journeys, we may struggle to attach these descriptions to many more of the Christmas Number 1’s.
Next year saw Frankie Laine‘s Answer Me retain the Number 1 spot for 8 weeks, and it is a track which largely follows the same style of Martino, though a wholly more understated affair. A pretty boring Number 1 as we’ll soon discover, as in 1954 Winifred Atwell‘s suitably named ragtime piano track Let’s Have Another Party stormed to the Christmas Number 1. Entirely without vocals, Let’s Have Another Party marked a temporary change from the Crooner classics that had preceded it. Upbeat and horrendously jovial, Let’s Have Another Party was the first of many Christmas Number 1’s that could be seen to retain its lofty position for the simple fact it was a bit of fun and in many ways was a bit of nonsense. However this break from the Crooner stylings of the 50’s was swiftly ended the following year when Dickie Valentine‘s Christmas Alphabet took to the throne of the Christmas Number 1. Sadly it is also at this point do we see the first evidence that someone in an element of power had cottoned on to the real promise of huge profits of a Christmas Number 1 – the fact the song is about Christmas. Listening to Valentine‘s track confirms all my suspicions that this track had been engineered simply for the Christmas market, and to cleverly appeal to people’s stereotypical imaginations of Christmas. While this was a trend that would inevitably continue, it did make me stop to think about Christmas as a whole. Where do we get our vivid imaginations of a typical Christmas? Of course Christmas has been described in novels and other works of fiction for hundreds of years, but Christmas Alphabet is the first recognised Christmas Number 1 that actually appeals to these images and shamelessly reinforces them. Valentine‘s lyrics cover all the key concepts of our illusionary thoughts of Christmas, and while he once mentions families, they all revolve around material objects. To this day we become hyper focused creations of material goods at Christmas, but by looking at this Christmas Number 1 we’re presented with a wonderful insight into how that even more than 50 years on, our concept of Christmas has not changed that dramatically.
Come 1956 and we have our first Christmas Number 1 created by a convicted prisoner, who originally thought of the song whilst walking in the yard of his prison. How very Christmassey I hear you cry. Of course you’ll all remember it as well, Johnnie Ray‘s classic version of the 1952 track Just Walkin’ In The Rain, not to be confused with the lesser popular track Singing in the Rain. Admittedly a move away from the conceited Christmas track, Walkin’ In The Rain still has a Christmas feel about it. Maybe it’s due to the years of inadvertent conditioning I suffered when the ‘Best of Christmas Hits’ was played when I was a child, however on the whole this track is mellow but ultimately one of the less exciting Christmas Number 1’s. Come 1957, the fifth year anniversary for the Christmas Number 1, we are presented with a track many of us would be familiar with, but not for it’s original performer. Harry Belafonte‘s performance of Jester Hairston‘s track Mary’s Boy Child is more commonly known as a Christmas Number 1 performed by Boney M, but this original marks the first wholly religious Christmas Number 1. Contrasting sharply with the first Christmas Number 1 which was about ‘Christmas’, Valentine‘s highly materialistic track, Mary’s Boy Child is one of the most sedated and contemplative Christmas Number 1s to enter the records, and the first to seemingly have a lasting impression on a listening population. Viewed by many as a Christmas Carol due to its religious focus, it’s fascinating to see this marked change of preference from the Christmas Number 1 which focused on the personal emotions of lost love, and instead recited biblical images of peace and harmony. Again the Christmas Number 1 can give us a fantastic insight into the feeling of that particular time period, as 1957 marked a year in America (all Christmas Number 1’s came out of America at this time it seems) where Cold War Tensions began to rise as America was on the back foot of a developing Space race while only being months away from a sharp and painful economic recession. It may well be that Mary’s Boy Child reflects a sombre mood, and a temporary respite from the focus on the self.
As we approach the end the 1950’s, the Christmas Number 1 as a period of reflection has gone and has been replaced with Conway Twitty‘s It’s Only Make Believe. A return to the focus that seems to infiltrate most Christmas Number 1’s of the 1950’s of lost love, or that of the damned romantic man that lusts for a love that is unobtainable. Strangely likable and listenable, Twitty‘s track is one of the first to bare the hallmarks of more modern Christmas Number 1’s, with it’s more intimate vocals and music, straying away from the overwhelming nature of the big band Crooners. However it is its repetitive nature and relatively simple musical outlay that marks it’s true Christmas Number 1 nature. Moving on from Twitty’s only number 1, we reach the final Christmas Number 1 of the 1950’s in the form of Emile Ford & The Checkmates performance of What Do You Want To Make Those Eyes At Me For? Perhaps the most significant of the 1950’s Christmas Number 1’s, Emile Ford‘s venture into this crazy new genre ‘Rock n Roll’ was to shape music for the following decade and beyond. Within the period of 10 years, the 1950’s Christmas Number 1’s have demonstrated a massive change in musical genres and, equally as important, the styles of music that a majority of people were listening to. Ironically Emile Ford‘s track was reportedly written some 43 years prior to their performance of it, but it’s status as a Christmas Number 1 marked a transition from the 1950’s which would have ever lasting consequences on what was required to become a Christmas Number 1.
I have created a Spotify playlist with all of these tracks on, should you want to listen to what many of your parents and/or grandparents would have been raving on about all those years ago.
<a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/bennyboy2010/playlist/0jniGBZaqBDzuWvlbIgc8j">1950’s Christmas/Crack In The Road</a>
<a href="spotify:user:bennyboy2010:playlist:0jniGBZaqBDzuWvlbIgc8j">1950’s Christmas/Crack In The Road</a>

A Brief History of the Christmas Number 1 – The 1950’s

Dear Crack In The Road Readers,
For the past month or so we’ve had a presence on the media and blog search engine Wikio, with an aim to promote our articles to readers that may not have otherwise stumbled across them. In our first month we were ranked 109th in the Music category, which we were all chuffed about as the site itself indexes just under a quarter of a million sites and blogs. However I’ve just been informed by the good people at Wikio that we have climbed 89 places to 20th! This is a fantastic achievement and one of the largest leaps seen by the staff behind Wikio. Now while we are unashamedly over the moon about this, I wanted to take the time to thank you all, our valuable readers, for taking the time to read our thoughts and opinions on music and beyond. I also want to thank all of those people who deem our articles worthy to link to, promote or mention in their own spheres of influence, as it is this activity in particular that pushes us up the rankings. Without your support and continuing readership this site would simply be our ramblings lost in the vast space of the interweb. Therefore, even if only to humour us and feed our starving egos, I encourage you to continue your support for Crack In The Road and to help us achieve that coveted Number 1 Spot.
Here is the official Top 20 list from Wikio:
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<td class="td2"><a rel="nofollow" href="https://www.lilwaynehq.com" target="_blank">Lil Wayne HQ</a></td>
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What’s next? Many of us at this moment will be receiving the emails entitled with this question, and the answers will invariably begin with “erm…?” because really, who knows? For those of you who got into the university of choice (me included) congratulations! But even for us lucky ones, the question still applies. None of us know what is next, and quite frankly, UCAS, its rather rude to keep asking. We know vaguely where we are headed, if we didn’t get in, to get a job, if we did, to Uni, but what does that entail? Every university is different, and those going will be packing what seem to be their infinitesimal lives into mum and dad’s cars, driving to a city where you know nobody, and waving bye-bye to security. Exciting? Yes. Terrifying? Definitely
The first thing most 18 year olds did on receiving results last Thursday, was to go out on the most disgusting night of the year that isn’t a holiday, and either drown their sorrows or celebrate, generally culminating in vomit, sweat, blood and or tears with a comfort kebab and ruined clothing, or in my case exactly 17 bruises, a stolen pint glass, and an earful of moralising from a very interfering taxi driver. Waking up however, the haze ascending, we peer bleary eyed through last night’s calamity with naivety into the future. With the colossal task of organising accommodation, finance, supplies or jobs, re-sitting exams, and rent/travel. And although all of this is exciting and progressive, stepping into your future and making decisions – it does beg the question, is it all worth it?
I ask you to think back, to when at the beginning of first year at the vulnerable age of 16, they begin to harass you about university choices, the course you want to study. The establishment asking for forms of confirmation so that they can self righteously publish how many students that they sent to get degrees, how clever of them. Then the following year the dreaded UCAS demands that you turn the empty word document into a personal statement that treads the fine line between arrogance and being self obsessed, and fill in the 5 spaces you pin your hopes on for future. Not to mention exams and the knowledge that in reality, nothing is certain or prepared. I know that I started having doubts at this point, wondering if I should even bother or just wait till next year. Here you are barely sustaining the pressure of not only your college, your family, and your friends, but also the credit crunch obliterating the job market, and University places getting harder and harder to come by. Not only this but the success of David Cameron making it known that if you wait a year it’s unlikely that anyone below the upper middle class will be able to afford education, means that everyone is pointing the finger expectantly at you to rise above the prejudiced scrutiny of the world.
Is all this pressure on students necessary? Don’t you remember the days when passing ‘O-Levels’ was an achievement? Let alone going to university, or getting the newly created A* to make even those with As feel like they could have done just a bit better? Never mind the likes of Richard and Judy,( whose qualifications amounted to them being paid to be ‘lovely’) claiming that exams are easy, and students aren’t as smart as they were. How about students just began trying harder? Or teaching standards got better? Personally I like to put it down to jealousy that makes the UCAS swine tell  new students to apply for less impressive universities. I challenge Boris Johnson to learn 42 Blake poems and two Renaissance plays off by heart in the space of 6 months and come up smelling like roses. In fact, no I don’t, because he’s just so damn adorable, the Etonion idiot.
What I want is to take things back to when you were congratulated for doing your best. So here’s a big pat on the back for even sitting A-Levels, a hip-hip for sticking with it for two years, a large chorus of “for they are jolly good fellows” to those of you who tried hard, and a cacophonous SCREW YOU UCAS because we all did well just for getting here.
I personally am jealous of those off travelling this year, and am as nervous as a Geordie in a spelling test about going to University. However, here I am ready to undergo the next wave of pressure so I guess it was worth it for me. Then.. what next? Life begins? Well, let’s not be too hasty, we have to survive fresher’s first.
Honor.

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