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Deviating from my normal pattern of “reviewing” new videos, although, and let’s be honest here, they’re not so much reviews as opportunities to chat shit and make myself feel better about having no talent, I decided to take a look at a more classic (well, two months old) example of video art. Take a step forward then, Trinidad Jame$’ ‘All Gold Everything’. I must have watched this class-oozing opus at least thirty times and I still haven’t tired of it. Also, make sure you keep a careful eye peeled throughout the review for clever, hidden plays on the song title.
Right, in case you haven’t heard the song, and to break it down for you non-converts to the cause, Trinidad Jame$ cares only about a few, select things:
1) Gold chains
2) Gold rings
3) Gold watches
4) MDMA (which I assume he gets either spray-painted gold or, at the very least, contained in gold baggies)
5) Anything/Everything All Gold (WORDPLAY)
The infatuation with aurous substances continues with the production of ‘All Gold Everything’. Mr. Jame$ and director Devon Gallaspy want everyone to be aware of what this video is about, so, at the very beginning of the piece, they pull a clever move and swathe the screen in a thick yellowish filter. Now, I might be reading too much into this, but I think, and bear in mind I said think, that the yellow colour is reminiscent of the colour of gold. To make sure that we’re aware of quite how well-off the rapper is, we’re treated to a veritable Argos catalogue sized collection of jewellery. It’s a sensory overload of affluence, one whose impressiveness is intensified in the way his regalia morphs into his name. I mean, one could even argue that gold is in everything (WORDPLAY), including Trinidad Jame$ himself.
There is one gold item that I’m surprised isn’t mentioned in the lyrics though. At 01:25 we are treated to Trinidad Jame$ and his crew doing their best Reservoir Dogs impression, but then, out of (almost) nowhere, a gold shopping trolley appears. I’ve got to say, although this might be a spray painted cart, which I severely doubt is the case, as, remember, this is a world where children play hula hoop with cuban linx, there’s no way I’d let any of my friends near it, let alone one with a baseball bat. It might just be me, but if someone I knew had that much gold and I happened to be a holding a hefty piece of wood, I would twat that fucker and take-off with the loot. I can imagine having problems flogging it at Cash Convertors, but problems are made to be overcome.
Not everything is all gold in ‘All Gold Everything’ though (WORDPLAY). The rapper takes some time out of his hectic, precious-metal focused lifestyle to hang out with a puppy. At first, I couldn’t decipher what this meant. Is this how he has so much gold, through having a hound who, like those geese in Charlie & The Chocolate factory, shit solid gold everywhere? Or, more sinisterly, was this the next item on his list to get plated with gold? The fact of the matter is, I was blinded by how gold everything (WORDPLAY) was.
As far as I can tell, the point in acquiring so much gold is to entice attractive members of your chosen gender to rub their genitals on your own, meaning that, in this case, this was a move for the LAYDEEZ. Throughout the majority of the video, Jame$ is rolling around, looking thuggish and hanging out hard with his bros. Now, this shows that Trinidad Jame$ is a dominant alpha male, but it probably doesn’t appeal to women looking for something more. So, in a move of genius, the puppy is introduced. This shows that not only can he roll deep in a badman style, but that he also has a sensitive side, which, as you read this, is currently making a multitude of minges moist worldwide. Probably.